Monday, January 03, 2005

Faxton Five

This post could have been titled, "I recall I remember when. . ." but that was the theme for my junior prom and the senior class officers were unwilling to give me permission to use it. I've burned too many bridges, I suppose. Well, I don't want to make it worse so I won't mention the fact that "I recall I remember when. . ." is about the lamest theme for a prom ever. Please, don't get me wrong. I don't care much about proms or their accompanying themes. I spent mine sitting in "the car" at The Underground Restaurant while Nikkola Pack prayed over her food. (Not that there's anything wrong with it.) But shouldn't a theme be something like "Under the Sea" or "Yesterday" or even "Forever Plaid?" I Recall I Remember When is not even in theme format; it is also badly punctuated. Faxton Five is a superior title in every way and, I might add, would make an excellent prom theme. Now, fasten your seatbelts: I recall, I remember when. . .

When I was little my family used to play Nurts with the spinster neighbors who lived in the mother-in-law apartment behind our house. They are both married now, so I guess they weren't really spinsters but they seemed like it at the time. Peggy used to "lay out" in her back yard which was surrounded by pear and cherry orchards. Ever modest, she would back up her car, pop the trunk, hang a towel from it, and use that for cover. Peggy would certainly be horrified today by the exposure and proximity of new neighbors, courtesy of Ivory Homes. On the bright side, we suffer from much less diarrhea in the summer now that those orchards have been razed and we don't gorge ourselves on fruit anymore. Progress!

At any rate, until fairly recently, I thought my family invented the card game Nurts. And I am ashamed to say that as a small child I cheated at Nurts until my mom told me that it was obvious. I also thought that my family invented the rhyme, "Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar. . .who me? Yes you. Couldn't be. Then who?" When I heard other people say it I was in shock. Did my mom teach them that?

I also had some vague notion that Elvis Presley was my father--not literally, but somehow he seemed patriarchal to my family. As it turns out, he wasn't involved with us on any level. I was also convinced that this friend of my mom's, named Nick, was actually Schneider from One day at a Time. And even though Schneider was a fictional character, I'm still not sure he didn't help us set up our swing set. In our ward lived the Salts. At least, that is what I have been told. I always thought their names were Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper. When you think about it, I know it doesn't make much sense.

Like many people, I thought the words to the primary song "As I Have Loved You" included the mysterious word "shallmeno." I used context to figure out that this was, probably, a Hebrew word that meant something like "alms" or "token." "By this shallmeno [shall men know] ye are my disciples. . . "

I was engaged to Christian when I admitted to him and to my sister Carly that I had always believed the song Shilo, by Neil Diamond was, in fact, about an imaginary monkey-type creature. As you know, the song is about an imaginary friend, but most people agree that the friend takes the more conventional shape of a girl--not a monkey.

My friend, Rachel, swore to everyone that Michael Jackson was Diana Ross's son. My mom couldn't even talk her out of it. I can laugh about that, but when we saw Michael Jackson moonwalk on the Motown Music awards for the first time everyone in my family thought it was an optical illusion done with special effects. Seriously dude, it was like he was walking on the moon. Or something. So you know. Michael Jackson was in the Jackson Five which sounds an awful lot like Faxton Five and that, my friend, is where this blog begins and ends.

23 comments:

  1. Our Senior Prom theme (put on by the Juniors) was "Stylin' Under the Stars". So so so stupid. Especially when my Junior year (when we planned it) it was called "The Affair", which sounded so much cooler.

    I also thought it was shallmeno. I wrote it down for my mom shortly after we learned it in Primary and I wrote, "By this shallmeno, ye are Mighty Siples."

    We need to play nurts sometime soon.

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  2. This is one of your best yet. But what is Nurts? And my high school was, like, 10 years behind schedule with "Wonderful Tonight." Was anyone else confused about Book of Mormon stories?...second verse, sing along please... "A record made by Nephi, Uhg-ugly man of old..."

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  3. Oh, Nurts is a wonderful and challenging card game my family invented. That's why you've never heard of it.

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  4. My dad and his brothers invented the game Battleship and submitted their idea to Milton Bradley. They received a rejection letter (which I'm told is still in the possession of one of my uncles) and, years later, much to their shock and outrage, Milton Bradley STOLE THEIR IDEA and came out with the game we all know and love. That's a true story.

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  5. There was a man named Jimby who lived in a tiny closet in my parents' room upstairs. If I was bad, Jimby would see. If I told a lie, Jimby would know. Jimby could see everything...

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  6. Believing in Jimby made your life better, Carly, and I don't regret telling you about him. Just like I don't regret letting it slip to my kids that I am a selkie (like in The Secret of Roan Inish)and I had to marry Daddy because he found and stole my skin. It's all about enriching people's lives.

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  7. I have the skin and you'll never get it back.

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  9. Sadly (not really), I share two things in common with you in this post-
    1. I too was confused about "shallmeno" in As I have loved You. I don't think I really knew what it said til I was 13.
    2. My family has always accused me of cheating at Nurts as well. To this day I do not understand how I've been cheating. I don't even win that much of the time.

    Hilarious post! I'm sure that we were not the only mormon kids confused about that song.

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  10. I love Nertz, but prefer this alternate spelling probably because of the candy Nerdz. I also prefer, as a general rule, spelling things with y's instead of ie's (see #4 on Carly's last post re: Opie/Opey).

    I totally understand about Elvis. It's the same way with my family and John Wayne. As a young child I looked forward fondly to the day we would be reunited with him in Heaven. Maybe I still do.

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  11. How about Dr. Nin Covenants? Not that that's a song lyric, but that one plagued me throughout Sunbeams and maybe even into Star A or B.

    I wrote a paper once on misheard song lyrics, for one of those newfangled ELANG classes. Example: "Annie, are you OK?" (MJJ, "Smooth Criminal") = "Kenny, are you walkin'?" A guy in my algebra class in high school sang it like that, only to be ridiculed for years afterward. Other examples: "I got my mind set on you" (George Harrison) = "Wake up, I might sit on you"; "Who are you?" (The Who) = "Oooooh-ah-ooh."

    That last one is from personal experience. Speaking of which, I still have no idea what the B-52's chick yells out during the lull in "Love Shack." Is it "Tin roof! Rusted [or perhaps rusty]" ? Anyone?

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  12. Eliza, I have heard that yes, it is "tin roof rusted." I have also heard that means knocked up/pregnant.. then I heard that was a rumor and it doesn't mean pregnant. who knows? But I'm glad you mentioned "I've Got My Mind Set On You" because that brought back some good memories and now I have an itchin' to see that video with the deer heads swayin'.

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  13. My favorite misheard lyric of all time comes from my friend Robym, who thought Bono said "oh, come back to the city!" instead of "broken back to the ceiling" in "Silver and Gold." A close second is "baby kapeeshka!" in place of "baby's got blue skies" in "The Sweetest Thing." (Both U2 songs for the uninitiated). Oh, Robyn. What a hoot. Not that I can talk. You should hear some of the things I thought Van Morrison used to say--not mention Neil Diamond.

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  14. Speaking of misunderstood U2 lyrics, I still have a hard time not singing, "I believe in the King of Kong" instead of Kingdom Come. And from the same song you don't even want to know what my mom thought the line "I have kissed honey lips" was/meant. I cannot repeat it here.

    I have been avoiding a lot of work today, and thus commenting a million times on your blog. Sorry, please don't block me.

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  15. I grew confused during this post, but this is not unusual for me.

    I did want to share that since my high school mascot was a "Knight" all of our prom themes were things like: "A Knight in the City" and "Tonight is the Knight" and "Forever Knight."

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  16. I secretly wanted our theme to be Lady in Red and then I was going to wear a Red Dress and be disturbingly sexy... but alas I don't remember our theme or my dress.

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  17. Ok everybody, remember to go to Charity Ska Show starring Swill, Radical Milhouse, The Upstarts and The Earthshakers. It's Wednesday, January 5th at 8:00 pm at Muse Music which is located at 145 North University in Provo. It will be a great time. It's only $5, the bands are good, and it's for charity! What more could you ask for?

    PS. I apologize for 2 things. Kacy, I'm sorry I posted this advertisment on your blog. Also, I'm sorry for ending that last sentence with the word "for". Hey, look, I did it again. Please forgive me.

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  18. Feel free to advertise, Nate. I'm sure everyone is dying to see your show. And by "see your show" I mean, see if you're really stunningly handsome. I wish I could go but I have young women's which I can't skip this week. Please give only a 9 performance tomorrow. Save 10 (or possibly 11) for the 28th when I'm hoping to be there. Whatever you do, break a leg. (I guess.)

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  19. Darn you Kaycee... I was going to tell about the "Knight" thing. Sometimes the fact that we went to high school together really gets in the way of my commenting. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

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  20. Rebecca, not to gloat, but I may have almost lived your "Lady in Red" dream. My junior prom I had a satin, deep red dress with a red boa attatched to the neckline and one along the bottom of the dress as well. As I walked into the Utah State Capitol building, to my amazement "Lady In Red" was just finishing. And as I looked at my geeky 115 lb 5 ' 11" boyfriend. . . I knew I was distirbingly sexy! ;)

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  21. Anonymous2:58 PM

    As a fan of your blog, thanks to Marcy Dibbleblotts, I just have one small issue that plagues my mind daily. It has to do with the title of your blog. Why would you entitle something "Every Day I Write the Book" and then not reward your avid fans by actually WRITING EVERY DAY? I just hate the disappointment I feel inside when I click on my bookmarked page only to see that you have decided to feed your kids rather than blog. Horribly disappointing. However, I will continue to come to your page in anticipation of those great days when you grace us with your wit and humor. Thanks for the laughs.

    Camelio Estevez

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  22. I just have one thing to say, Why did you break up with Paula Abdul? You were such a cute couple.

    Thanks for your encouragement. I will try to ignore my kids even more.

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  23. Star, you lived my high school dream? I am bull dog green with envy!

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