Thursday, January 06, 2005

Freaky Sick Crapola--A Gross and Scary Story

Like the title? It does have a certain ring to it. In fact, the reason it probably appeals to you so much is that Freaky Sick Crapola has the same rhythm and cadence as "Funky Cold Medina." I didn't do that on purpose. But after I wrote the title I realized it. I'm pretty sure that Tone Loc and I share a muse. . . and her name is Cura. . . Cura. . . Cura. Oh all right I'll stop it. I'm just being silly. Time to get down to bidness. I will share four accounts of freaky sick things. Two involve mice, and two involve people.

I have mentioned before that my cat, Ozzy, catches and murders a lot of mice. It has become commonplace to encounter their remains all over the yard and, especially, on the porch. This does not phase me. I use a grocery bag to pick them up and put them in the garbage. Well, a few months ago I saw something that still makes me shudder. On the sidewalk leading up to our house was a dead mouse on its back. Protruding from its belly was a ginormous black slug-like creature. It was segmented, like a worm. But it was not long and skinny. It was 2 inches long and its diameter was just slightly less than a film canister. It sicks me out just to type that last part, but it's true. Was this creature on its way in or out of the mouse? I can't answer that. I have also considered that it might have actually been part of the mouse--like one of its organs that was displaced by Ozzy. When I went to dispose of the carcass with the grocery bag I used the bag to tug on the slug-like creature. It was firmly embedded in the mouse. Freaky and sick, I know.

Many years ago when I was about 13 Heidi and I were hiking up above our cabin in Lamb's Canyon. We saw something that freaked us out and I'm sure it is no coincidence that since then I have imagined this cabin as the setting for all of Stephen King's stories which take place in the woods. We came across a mostly-empty brown beer bottle. It caught our eyes because there were TWO LITTLE HANDS STICKING OUT OF THE BOTTLE. Inside was a dead mouse who had, apparently, gotten in but was too bloated to get back out. Its stomach was bald. This whole experience calls to mind Templeton, the grody little rat who goes on a bender in Charolotte's Web--which is a disturbing episode in itself.

The third experience that freaked me out was simply seeing a woman in the BYU bookstore who had a weird design, a pattern, if you will, of red dots along her face and neck. I'm sure that it was a result of some kind of misfortune or treatment she was undergoing. Nevertheless, I didn't like it at all and it has creeped me out for many years. You see, it wasn't like a birthmark. That I could handle. There was a regularity to the red dots that reminded me of Deep Space 9 which is a show I can not abide.

The last freaky experience I will share is not a first hand account but I feel justified in sharing it because it happened to Christian and he does not have a blog. He and his friend, Chuck, were in Salt Lake City safely in their car when they saw a homeless-looking man lumbering down the sidewalk. He was dressed in a long coat and a crocheted beret. On his face was a leather mask with buckles and no more than two slits for eyes. YIKES! Both Chuck and Christian gave a little start at this person's appearance and I too am (vicariously) freaked out by anyone that would wear a mask like the one described above. There are two main reasons why it is so freaky. 1) It seems like such a tight-fitting mask would have to be custom made. 2) Hannibal Lector wears something similar.

And now I must dash, Clarice. I'm having friends for dinner. Moowah ha ha ha.

12 comments:

  1. A) I can't believe you remember that but the second I read it I shuddered with the memory.

    B) Come on...hiking? Did we actually ever HIKE? Or just wander aimlessly down the road and back. Oh wait - occasionally we would huff and puff up the hill I suppose. I guess in our young minds that was considered hiking. Do you think our time capsule still exists?

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  2. I don't know about our time capsule, but I can't believe you didn't say anything about "Cura. . . Cura. . .Cura." Xanadu rules so much.

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  3. Xanadu DOES rule. And those stories are freaky, sick, and a whole lotta crapola. Thank you. I could tell you some freaky sick crapola about the labeled contents of the tupperware containers in the cadaver room at Brigham Young University--but that's for another blog.

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  4. I just took a test on annelids (segmented worms to the layperson) in Zoology today. I got a 90. I don't especially like them, in fact they kind of freak me out. Not the mild earthworm/nightcrawler kind mind you, but the gross freaky ones that are halfway in a dead mouse. I think the reason that you have weird things like that by your house is that you live so near a really big, wet swamp. When I was doing the Arthropod section in Zoology Zoram and I went back there to catch bugs. It blew my mind. Zoram says there is a giant swimming rat that lives back there. I expect it is not unlike the Rodents of Unusual size, so look out.

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  5. Do you have Mr. Webb or has he retired? I distinctly remember annelids being my least favorite topic. Now arthropods I could sink my teeth into, in a manner of speaking. Good old Mr. Webb...

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  6. Um..can we have a Xanadu party? If I had invited you to my 28th birthday party you could have watched that on the big screen with me...

    "about the diameter of a film canister"?!? I will be pondering that phrase over and over and over. Nothing should be the diameter of a film canister, not even a film canister...

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  7. Cadaver room at BYU? Does anyone from say 1993/4 remember the cadaver with the tattoo “this is the place?” strategically located somewhere on his lower region…

    And remember the lecture on decorum among cadavers…

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  8. How could I forget the decorum lecture? It made me cry, then vomit.

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  9. Kacy--I am amazed that you can pick up the mice with a grocery sack. I couldn't stand to "feel" it. Even though squirrels continuously die in our yard, I have to use a shovel and still look away when disposing of them.

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  10. Cadavers are fascinating. And by "fascinating" I mean yucky. Still, the sick experience in Mr. Webb's class did not prevent me from deciding to become (and actually looking into it) a mortician if I didn't get into graduate school. I have seen the R.O.U.S. swimming behind my house. At first I thought, how quaint. We have a beaver. But it's really not the right ecosystem for a beaver. Man should not live so close to swamp.

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  11. LOLOL - it's because her name was spelled "Kira". I thought you were quoting a Tone Loc song, which actually sort of worried me. I know your musical tastes are eclectic but...

    Oh, and I'll have a Xanadu party anyday. I have it on VHS - very vintage of me.

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  12. I just have to say that Tempelton's bender in Charlotte's Web SCARED THE HOLY CRAP OUT OF for the whole of my childhood. Honestly, I think that's why my mom never let me watch Willy Wonka, because she KNEW it would be too much for me. Even now (having never seen the origional) when WW gets brought up there is someone who tells me I won't be able to handle it. I tell them, dude, I've seen TRAINSPOTTING! And they just shake their heads and say, Nope... No Willy Wonka for you.

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