Stuff I Hate

I've been blogging for a year now and, although I hate to say it, I think I've kind of lost sight of why I started blogging in the first place--to chronicle in list form all the stuff I hate. And so, with your permission--here's some stuff I hate:

10. I hate Jay Leno. Why? A. He's not funny. B. He has never sufficiently convinced me that he is the slightest bit interested in any of his guests. Also, I once heard that he is asexual. I don't hate everyone/thing that is asexual (for example, worms) but in Jay Leno's case it doesn't help.

9. I hate wearing socks when they get wet or even just a little bit damp. Nuff said.

8. I hate that the Utah State Mental Hospital doesn't do a haunted house anymore. Granted, it wasn't such a great (and by "great" I mean "legally sound") idea to begin with but it was so fabulous. Back in the day, people waited in line for hours to get up to that haunted house which was, for obvious reasons, really scary. The line was patrolled by presumably crazy men on horses. Seriously, yikes. The Utah State Mental Hospital Haunted House set the stage for a shameful pants wetting in 5th grade, a first kiss in 9th grade, and once a guy I was with used me as a human shield when a man of questionable sanity with a chainsaw came at us--he lifted me by my arms as I kicked my legs bicycle style to get through the passage way. They don't know the difference--they're mental. Good times.

I hate that now the alternative is to go to a corn maze, get genuinely lost (which is not fun) and then wander around some teeter totters made of chicken wire. Frankly, I can do that in my own neighborhood for free any day of the week.

7. I hate carrying a bag with my name on it. Don't get me wrong--I love that people have given me bags with my name on them because it is a kind and personal gift. I just feel like a dork carrying them. It's probably because my name is Kacy. Like what's that supposed to mean? Kacy isn't really an old-fashioned name. It's pretty new, relatively speaking. Because it is new it seems sort of young and friendly or, at least open to interpretation since there aren't thousands of years worth of Kacy's going around to give it some sort of meaning like there is with a name like Ruth, for example. See, I don't think I'd mind carrying a bag with "Ruth" on it. But "Kacy"? I can't pull that off. It's just not me.

6. I hate cotton knit sheets. Oh sure Oprah swears by her favorite t-shirt sheets but they are stretchy and gross--something someone named Ruth would totally frown upon.

5. I hate it when authors like Helen Oyeyemi in The Icarus Girl rely too heavily on incomplete sentences and italics to convey a sense of weirdness. Like this:
down
(down so far)
and cold
--earthen

I know she's amazing and wrote the book at age 19 while studying for finals. Impressive. Overall, the book is not half bad. But if you want to write a poem, write a poem. Look, I get it and I appreciate it for what it's worth. Hell, I even do it myself sometimes. But (like profanity) it must be used sparingly. Every 4 pages in a 350 page book is too much--
excessive
(which is to say)
I could do with less

But the worst part is when the reviewers go and describe her as "lyrical." Don't encourage her!

4. I hate that whenever people say, "What do you have to say? You've been awfully quiet. Tell us something. What do you think?" I can never, ever deliver.

3. I hate the idea of making the Provo airport bigger.

2. I hate that Hostess has been letting me down lately with stale products, forcing me into the arms of Little Debbie. It was bad enough when they abandoned their ad campaigns featuring King Ding Dong, Twinkie the Kid, Fruit Pie the Magician, and Chauncey Chocodile for unknowable reasons and plain white wrappers. But what is going on lately?

1. I hate that I got tears in my eyes remembering Fruit Pie the Magician. Big sigh.