Sunday, May 21, 2006

I Never Said I Wanted to See Paul Bettany Naked

All right all right all right--Yes. I did go through a phase where I was having imaginary conversations with Paul Bettany for a while. But just because I wanted to have a sincere and frank discussion with him about The Beatles, that does NOT mean I wanted to see him pure nude in The Da Vinci Code last night. As I said to Christian at the time, "Ew."

It doesn't help that Paul Bettany is some sort of albino in the movie. I hate albinos. I've never seen one in real life but they are always the creepy people in movies. One of my earliest childhood memories is of the albino in Foul Play (creepy). You don't think any albinos read my blog do you? Because a) I would feel bad for saying I hate albinos and b) that would really creep me out. Now that I've given it some thought, if you are an albino reading this I would like to send you a personal apology so please send me your e-mail address. (Just don't send me any pictures of you--ick.) Isn't it about time TLC did a reality show about albinos so I can start thinking of them as real people? Something like, Clear People, Colored World. Or maybe a better title. I don't know. TLC somehow seems responsible for making this right.

Paul Bettany's naked albino scene is all the more repugnant because he is engaging in flogging and self-chastisement. It's really quite disturbing and yet, in my heart, I like anything that makes Mormons seem a little less unusual. Don't believe everything you hear about us! (Does this cilice go with my knee shorts?)

The bottom line about The Da Vinci Code? I liked the book and I like the movie. Oh, and I pretty much believe all the theories and interpretations of history as outlined by Dan Brown. Yep, pretty much. Bye bye now.

14 comments:

  1. The "colorless" part didn't bother me...But I did wonder how he dealt with being naked underneath his cloak while running around Paris and London killing people...Any quick gusts of air...well...you know...don't want to have your ol "cilice" exposed for all to see...

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  2. I think I'm part albino. If you saw how pigmentless my legs are you might agree. At least you have never seen me naked. Ew.

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  3. What about the critically acclaimed movie "Powder" about that Albino kid, starring the chick that is/was? married to Ted Danson?
    We're heading out to see "The code" this week. I liked the book Angels and Demons better, but I'm not sure they could make it into a movie. . .just a bit gruesome.

    Kactiguy--I challenge you to an albino leg contest. . .

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  4. Knee shorts and a cilice? Now I've heard everything!

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  5. But have you seen "Little People, Big World"? I LOVE that show. I think yours will be another huge hit for TLC as well. Great idea. Just be sure to get royalties. You wouldn't want to miss out on that action.

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  6. Remember when we saw Powder under the beam of light at Carrabbas?

    Never stop writing posts about Paul Bettany. They are your best.

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  7. I wish I knew who you were talking about. I seem to be out of the loop on this one. Speaking of "Little People, Big World", we love that show too. I thought TLC should back that show up with "Giant People, Tiny World". Now that would be cool.

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  8. Anonymous3:08 AM

    Paul bettany could have been eating lightbulbs and crying rainbow tears in that scene for his bum stole the show!

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  9. I rather enjoyed the bum scene. I didn't like him in Beautiful Mind, but suddenly I feel a little crushy.

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  10. You all are a bunch of hilarious and sort of freakish people!...Be my friends? I echo your willingness to take the theories as doctrine--done. Loved the book, loved the movie. (It was like I was reading the book really fast, and I am not a super fast reader, so I felt kind of cool and smart.) P.S. I thought to be a real-live albino, you have to have purple eyes...anyone know the rule on that?

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  11. The Albino Association of America is actually protesting the movie, because, as you said, the creepy guys are always the albinos, and there are no albino heroes in Hollywood, which CLEARLY demonstrates the industry's bias against the non-pigmented citizens of America. Seriously.

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  12. When I was in college there were several albinos on campus. Apparently, an albino man married an albino woman in Idaho Falls and had seven albino children. Not kidding. I still see one of the sons around Provo and Salt Lake. They don't look that different: really blond (white-ish) hair, blue eyes, no tan...sound like a lot of Utah Valley. It's the white eyelashes...at least the girls can wear mascara, although the girl at college didn't and it really bugged my. Plus Kacy, there was an albino man at church a few weeks back. Where were you?

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  13. Doesn't Powder count as an albino hero? He could totally feel that deer's pain, for instance, although I don't remember if he actually ended up saving the deer.

    Look, I haven't seen the movie in like 10 years.

    I like Paul Bettany in that tennis movie with Kirsten Dunst.

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  14. Paul Bettany also showed his bum in A Knight's Tale. Although it was funnier to see it walking down a dirt road than preparing for self-flogging. This is odd, but I find Mr. Bettany strangely attractive. I don't know if I can pinpoint any particular feature (his bum? or is it the accent?) but I sort of think he's sexy. Weird.

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