Tuesday, March 31, 2009

There's Just No Accounting for Taste

Remember that ugly white dog I had for a couple of weeks? WELL, you will not BELIEVE the drama associated with her adoption on Saturday. Apparently a couple of people filled out applications online to get that ugly little dog. When I showed up at Petsmart to stick her in her kennel, people were eagerly awaiting her arrival. Yes, her arrival. There were two people hoping to take the dog home. One was a teenage bride who had her heart set on it, the other was a middle-aged outdoorsy lady with strikingly white teeth. I guess Lost Paws has a policy that whenever there is some question about the applications the foster home gets to decide who gets the dog. While I reviewed the applications, the lady stared at me while the girl wept quietly by the kennels. It was a scene, man! (I loved it.) (And I'm not kidding about the crying.) There are many things to consider when placing a dog. I chose the lady with whiter teeth, but only after I suggested cutting the dog in half.

Keep in mind that to the Lost Paws organization I'm just this weird lady who fosters dogs and hangs out at Petsmart a lot. It's not my job. No one ever asked me to come. I just do. (Because I love it.) But suddenly last Saturday I became indispensable, which was gratifying. After my King Solomon episode I went over to Panda Express for some vittles where I received an urgent call on my cell phone regarding Cassie, the gray mini schnauzer I had fostered along with Pixie. She was very special, if you know what I mean. The woman on the other end of the phone pled with me, "Tell me, is she really smart?" I knew what she wanted to hear. It's what we all want to hear whenever we are about to do something or buy something: Do it! It's perfect! You look great in it! It's an awesome deal! You'll regret it if you pass it up! But, Cassie isn't really smart. "She's much more sweet than smart!" I offered. It was the truth, it was very easy to come up with, and the lady was pleased. (Why my children's teachers can't come up with anything like that at parent teacher conferences is beyond me.)

Long story short: My placement record is 100%. I place ugly dogs. I place stinky dogs. I place mini schnauzers with head tilts and questionable intelligence. It's starting to go to my head. I'm getting a god complex. Can you blame me? That's why I'm so, so grateful for my own dear children who keep me humble by refusing to scoot over unless I yell and eventually break down and cry. What would I do without the little darlings!

Stay tuned as I welcome my first pregnant (unwed) dog into my home tomorrow. The church is highly supportive of this kind of thing, you know. Bring on the bitch!

21 comments:

  1. I love the idea of you playing god at Petsmart.

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  2. Great stuff, this.

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  3. While I love your writing in general, I have to say that the last paragraph of this one is going in my files as favorite ending ever.

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  4. You are so Solomonesque. I love it.

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  5. Love it.

    But I'm left wondering...why the lady with the white teeth? Better dental hygiene? Refusing to give in to the crying trick? Phobia of teenage brides?

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  6. Come on, admit it. Using language like that - completely legitimately - is a total kick! It’s like thumbing your nose at all the rules cause you had your fun and didn’t break a one of them!

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  7. I only have five weeks in Provo left; I need to hear more about these dogs. If you know what I'm saying. I feel like I'm stalking you.

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  8. That last paragraph made me love you more. Which is probaby kinda creepy since you don't know me.

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  9. I found this enjoyable.

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  10. Placing this pregnant (unwed) dog will really affect the generations to come (puppies who will beget many puppies). I imagine a herd of dogs running to you in the afterlife.

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  11. From God's arms to my arms to yours. What a sweet story. I hope that bitch gets what she deserves.

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  12. Okay, I am finally de-lurking to say I loved this post. And Christian's comment was just as good.

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  13. Kacey,
    Thanks a bunch you are funnny it makes me laugh to think of you taking care of the dogs- I would definitley let it go to my head too-you are one amazzzind dog placer! You go girl!
    Courtnee

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  14. These dog posts make me feel like a bad person. Luckily I already know how to live with that.

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  15. laughing.out.loud.

    thank you!

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  16. Petsmart God. (Or do you prefer Goddess?)

    I do believe you should have business cards for such a prestigious job.

    At the very least, you should needle point it on a pillow.

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  17. Funniest post I've read in WEEKS! WEEKS, I tell you! You're wit! Christian's addition! I'll blog-stalk you both 'til the day you die scrounging for this kind of hilarity!

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  18. I really enjoyed Cassie. Thank you for letting me foster her from YOU. You are MY Lost Paws. I will foster dogs from you from now on. That way you can screen them for me. I can't wait to see the birth.

    Todd read this post out loud to me because it made him laugh. Way to go.

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  19. You're nutty.

    And I like it.

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  20. congrats on the fab dog placements. thank you for not cutting them in two. :)

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  21. I hope your record remains intact and next week you're not singing Elton John's hit. . .the bitch is back.

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