Healthful Holidays

A lot of people ask me how I stay so fit. I'm happy to share some lifestyle tips.

Drink 8 glasses of water each day. It's so good for you! Your body is made of water so you need to replenish it. My body is made of Diet Coke so I replenish it with that. Everyone is different. Know your body. The gas station by my house sells 25 cent refills on Tuesdays. That's important to know too.

Eat snacks with protein because protein is so good for you! Protein helps you and fills you up. Personally, I avoid protein because I don't want to be full because I hate that uncomfortable "full" feeling, especially when my mom passes me a bowl of these truffles she makes with graham cracker crumbs, chocolate chips, and Cool Whip.

More about snacks: They should be low-fat and high-fiber where "low-fat" is exotic soft and "high fiber" is cheeses. Whole wheat crackers are an excellent pairing but you might find that they taste bad. Stick with Ritz.

The holidays are the absolute WORST for gaining weight. Have a plan. And have a support person who is interested in eating healthy food with you. Fill up on crudites. Of course, I never eat vegetables except for mashed potatoes and rarely eat fruit unless it is served with Cool Whip because I get embarrassed when I eat salad or raw vegetables because I think that people will think that I think I need to lose weight. I would never draw attention to myself like that. Christian is my support person and supports me when my plate is too heavy for me to carry. We have had a lot of success in meeting our goals over the holidays. One of our goals this year is to eat Thanksgiving lunch at his parents' house and Thanksgiving dinner at my mom's house. We visualize ourselves doing this successfully before we even set out to do it. Here's to success!

I have milk delivered weekly from my local dairy. I just can't tolerate the hormones and what have you that you'll find in grocery store milk. My dairy also delivers donuts and chocolate-covered cinnamon bears. You can get good chocolate-covered cinnamon bears at the BYU candy store, but they are hard to find elsewhere. And forgive me for getting up on my soap box here but I just can't stand donuts made with growth hormone. It's something I have chosen not to compromise on.

Trouble with portion control? Memorize this "handy" trick: Your fist equals a serving size of anything. This isn't exactly accurate--it kind of depends on how tightly you are grasping your fries. But it's a good rule of "thumb!"

It's all about arming yourself with information so you can make healthy choices. For example, whenever you have the opportunity to choose bacon, you should choose bacon. Bacon absorbs fat. It's an important part of any healthy diet. This may sound like an old wives' tale but think about it: Have you ever seen a skinny pig? Exactly.

And finally, the most important thing to do over the holidays is to really think about why you are eating. It can be harmful to eat for emotional reasons excluding happiness, joy, depression, or boredom--we all know we get into trouble when we're bored! Stave off boredom with a low-fat, high fiber snack (see above).

Good luck over the holidays, friends. We're all in this together!

Educating Frances

Ellen has decided to hand feed Frances in order to intensify their bonding.
I read that dogs never really surpass the reasoning skills of a 3-year-old human. Ellen is 2.

Frances is bowing to Ellen.

Happy Pre-Christmas!

I asked my kids what they wanted for Christmas and Sam said, "I want people to remember Thanksgiving." I was not touched or taken aback by this at all. I'm sick of this notion (but not sick of Sam--it's a new notion to him, and I think it's cute that he "thought of" this on his "own.")

Look, I love Thanksgiving. I'm probably more into food and eating unrestrainedly than anyone else you could name. I'm also thankful for lots of things, including Thanksgiving. But I don't think it takes away from Thanksgiving to be excited about and preparing for Christmas. If you want to put up your tree today--do it. I usually don't get around to decorating until sometime in December--but I am not against it on principal. Christmas too commercial? That's the fun of it. Decorations out too early? Who cares.

Anyway, I'm making some agonizing decisions over here as I make the play list for my ward Christmas party. It's on December 11th. Mind you--still love Thanksgiving! Just planning ahead. My play list is 65 songs and I have to pare it down. Right now I'm deciding between Randy Travis' Jingle Bell Rock and The Ventures' instrumental Jingle Bell Rock. I also have to decide which Elvis Presley songs to cut--like cutting one of my own children. I also have to decide if Happy Christmas (War is Over) is too political for the ward party. I also have three versions of Merry Christmas Baby. This is too many versions of Merry Christmas Baby, I think. How much Pretenders is too much Pretenders? What will happen to me if I cut Nat King Cole entirely? What should the ratio of spiritual songs to secular songs be? Should Motab's O Holy Night end the evening or should I bring it on home with Barenaked Ladies' Auld Lang Syne? Would it be ironic or irreverent to include Weezer's O, Holy Night?

Make suggestions now, before this monster gets too long.

I have to cut this play list by half and I am not at all thankful for that. If only the ward party could last for several more hours. It would be like being in the Celestial Kingdom. I meant that both ironically and irreverently.

I'm Thankful for Thankfulness

I'm thankful that the church is so New York. I'm thankful for Dallin H. Oaks singing from the pulpit. I'm thankful the soundtrack to this Mormon Message sounds like the soundtrack to About a Boy. I'm thankful for 25 cent refills. I'm thankful for BYU. I'm thankful for two turkey dinners every Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for shade. I'm thankful for memory foam. I'm thankful for lunch. I'm thankful for iTunes. I'm thankful for feta. I'm thankful for cardigans. I'm thankful for wipes. I'm thankful for codeine. I'm thankful for sales. I'm thankful for Ross. I'm thankful for blogging. I'm thankful for my sisters. I'm thankful for working moms. I'm thankful for stay at home moms. I'm thankful for good scout leaders. I'm thankful for Oriental Trading Company. I'm thankful Diet Coke is never explicitly mentioned in the Word of Wisdom. I'm thankful for free agency. I'm thankful for people who read this and don't judge. I'm thankful for Elvis Presley. I'm thankful for Neil Diamond. I'm thankful for Barry Manilow. I'm thankful for The Monkees. I'm thankful for working at a record store. I'm thankful for my old ward. I'm thankful for my new ward. I'm thankful for Christian. I'm thankful for Cesar Millan. I'm thankful for Stacy and Clinton. I'm thankful for Gregory House. I'm thankful for Legacy. I'm thankful for my family. I'm thankful for duvets. I'm thankful for Provo High. I'm thankful for the library. I'm thankful for woods. I'm thankful for Tivo. I'm thankful for Jack White. I'm thankful for Michael Jackson. I'm thankful for coziness. I'm thankful for RC Willey. I'm thankful for my mom. I'm thankful for horses. I'm thankful for Stendig calendars. I'm thankful for cilantro. I'm thankful for Mrs. Karlsven. I'm thankful for missionaries. I'm thankful for Gorbon B. Hinckley. I'm thankful for President Monson. I'm thankful for President Obama. I'm thankful for my neighbors. I'm thankful for curbside recycling. I'm thankful for Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I'm thankful for drive through. I'm thankful for quirks.

On Dogs and Uggs

Every day--at least once a day--I look at Frances and think, "I've made a huge mistake."
Most of the time my feelings toward her are neutral and about once a day I have a blissed out doggy-loving moment.

Interestingly, this is exactly how I feel about my new "Uggs."

2012

I just saw the movie 2012. It's kind of big and clumsy and not that great but I'm still intrigued by the concept of catastrophes and the end of the world. I'm also gullible and sentimental about Earth. Most importantly, Amanda Peet is one of my appearance icons. She is my age and has brown hair. I wish she had short hair and were fatter. That would work better for me. She has a baby named Frances who looks like Ellen and I have a dog named Frances who looks like my bed spread.

Frances Gortagh Takes Up Permanent Residence

I haven't updated you on all of my foster dogs because some people say things like, "I saw that it was another dog post so I didn't read it." They have bad manners. I never say, "I saw it was another fake self-aggrandizing post about how perfect your life is so I didn't read it." I keep it to myself. DO NOT TEST MY POLITENESS.

Let me get you up to speed. Remember Dodger who loved only me?
I'm sorry to say he was twice adopted, twice returned, taken to the pound and put to sleep. Dodger had been abused and bit kids. I'm telling you--this dog fostering is not for the faint of heart. In Dodger's case I keep wondering if I could have done more. . . If I could have gotten him out. I don't know. If I just. . . I could have saved him. I didn't do enough. This rawhide chew here. . .

And then there was a mini schnauzer named Fritz. Handsome and well behaved, Fritz had but one tragic flaw: dark red genitals. Fritz, I'm just not that into you. But some old lady was! And they are living happily ever after.

Then we took on one of Satan's minions--a de-barked stray dachshund with a litter of three puppies. We named her Sizzles. After 6 weeks she and her puppies had grown on us--as had the rotten abscesses in her stinky mouth. She was off to the vet as soon as her puppies could be weaned. You know how hard it is for single moms to get good health care--especially dental. She'll be a fine dog for someone soon. And so will her puppies. Interested?

Then I found this dog that matched my bedding so I'm going to keep her.
You knew I'd keep one eventually. Meet Frances Gortagh, a 3 month old liver spotted English Springer Spaniel. Do you love? We do. Her previous owner found out he couldn't have dogs at his cabin. He sold her once, and gave her away once. Each time she was returned because she became so depressed and sad that she wouldn't eat. He was looking for a home where Frances would thrive. So far so good.

I was pretty surprised by the outpouring of love, excitement, good will, and enthusiasm from my kids and from Christian. I mean, you'd think the dog thing would be pretty old by now, right? They all said, "We actually get to keep her?" Parenting tip: Give, take away, give, take away, give, take away, give, take away then give for keeps and make them clean up after it. It's a proven formula for success.

What you might not know is that I had a wonderful black English Springer Spaniel named Lou when Christian and I were married. She came to me the usual way--across country in an airplane. We doted on her for the first four wonderful [childless] years of our marriage. Then we had kids and doted on her only a little less. Her death 8 years ago effected us profoundly and can be summarized thus: sudden, mysterious, exsanguination, the HORRORS.

It was always my wish to one day get a brown Lou. Frances reminds us of Lou in every way. It's uncanny. Christian has loved and wanted to keep almost every dog we've fostered. He even grew fond of the witless Sizzles. So now we have Frances Gortagh.
And just like that I am one Australian Shepherd away from being Dooce. (And a few thousand F words.) (And an apostasy.) (And a million-dollar blog. Whoopsie--Joke's on me. )

My Camera is Working

My camera is working! I plan to spend the next few days getting you up to speed now that I can post pictures. First of all--I grew my hair really long last Spring.
You can see it here at the photo shoot Christian and I did at the Holden Cemetery. As you can see, long hair makes my arms look fat. So I cut it this summer.
Much better!

Ellen also grew her hair out to unruly lengths:And then cut it short:

More photo updates to come.