2010 Sundries

Out with the old, in with the new. Here are some of the last few ideas I had from 2010.

• Reality TV is changing the way my 3 year old plays. I played restaurant. She plays cooking show. I played dress up. She plays What Not to Wear. She talks about what the audience is going to think about things. It's kind of sick to think about. But oh well. (Note to self: Tweet this later.)

• After years of feeling like I felt when I was a kid, suddenly I feel like an old person. Everything about listening to music has changed since I was little--that always happens to old people. And the other day I was talking to Christian on the phone and I said "I don't like to toot my own horn." The kids heard me and died laughing. I didn't initially seen anything funny about it, just like an old person. Also, I am unabashedly nostalgic for things from my childhood even when I know marketers are taking advantage of this. I liked Tron because it felt like a giant loud meatball of a movie from the 80s complete with an androgynous, high-stepping, white-tuxedo-wearing, cane-wielding villain who would have normally been played by David Bowie. Another thing that makes me seem like an old person is that when I was growing up the last day of school was "Field Day." We had all kinds of races and snow cones. One of the races was a "gunny sack" race so you had to bring a gunny sack--and everyone had one. Get me--I'm Pa. I have no idea where I would get a gunny sack now if I needed one. 

• I have spent years editing my life so I don't have to do things I don't want to do. The main reason for this is that when I do things I don't want to do, I am unhappy. The other day I had the notion of being being more generous with my time and less discriminating about how I spend it and then I ended up doing stuff I didn't want to and it totally bummed me out. 

• The Book Thief was the best book I read this year.

• True Grit was my favorite movie of the year. I think when a western is good, there is nothing better. I like how the Coen brothers made True Grit quirky (the dialog, accents, dislike for Indians, violence) without making fun of it. Also, I always love a movie with meaningful non-romantic relationships because even though romantic relationships are very special and important, married people like me really only have one of them that endures. Everyone else you interact with is non-romantic (or should be) and those can be interesting too. They can happen with friends, horses, siblings, but especially with curmudgeons. I long for a meaningful non-romantic relationship with a curmudgeon. 

• Sometimes I actually think I could be friends with anyone I wanted to if I would just make enough of an effort. Other times I realize that a lot of people don't think I'm funny or nice. And then I think about all the people I hate and I surmise that a lot of people probably hate me too.  I respect that and don't want to be too pushy about being friends with anyone. 

• I think Kenneth on 30 Rock looks like JimBob Duggar. 

• I don't really like any new shows on TV right now. It's sad because as a rule I am pro-TV. 

• Tom and Jerry still seems funny to me, but Itchy and Scratchy will always be funnier.  

I hope I have some more ideas in 2011. If I do, I will write them here on my blog. 

I Blog on Christmas

Since blogging is not my "job" there is no need for me to "take time off" around Christmas. Isn't that great!

Christmas was so fun. The only drawback for everyone, I think, is that you've spent so much time thinking about and doing special things for your kids et al and sometimes it only makes everyone seem all the more disappointing and ungrateful. Know what I mean? I think it happens to everyone though so don't fret. Just numb yourself with candy. And enjoy your presents! Along with the true meaning of Christmas, of course.

Here's a dump from my camera which will, I hope, tell the story of Christmas. First of all, sadness:

We drove by the first day of Christmas break. There's not much to say about it. Remember when the Provo Library looked so awful, crappy, vandalized, and devil-worshippy? Remember the sign it bore for years of raising money? "Let me be your beautiful library!" I imagine it talking in a slow, low voice with really big lips and bug eyes: "Let me be your beeeeyooooteeeful li-barry!" Why would I personify the library as kind of dopey? Well, now I wouldn't. Because it's so beautiful! Never forget.

 Ben gave a talk last Sunday. Christian was gone all week but because of Ben's LOVE of public speaking it was a JOY to prepare for. Oh, take my word for it--a joy! After church we rushed to my Mom's family Christmas party with all my aunts and cousins. It was like this:

Note to Carly who wasn't there: That is Wanda's hair in the foreground! She looks just like Jesse! Wish you were there.

Note to Everyone: Jesse is our cousin who has a wooden leg. We don't see her a lot now but we used to be very afraid of her. She got her wooden leg because she is deaf and mute and was riding her unicycle on some railroad tracks and didn't hear a train coming. (Just getting you up to speed.)And that's why I can never, ever write a personal memoir--because I would be accused of plagiarizing some obscure Flannery O'Connor story. All true.

Then is snowed. It was very deep and very heavy. I shoveled it. There are a lot of generous people in my ward who shovel the widows' driveways. I think they are trying to teach Christian to not go out of town so much and to take care of his own shoveling. Boy, do I agree!

The kids got pajamas on Christmas Eve. Surprise!

Look what Ellen got:

Look what Sam got:

Listen to what I can hear now:

Too young to remember Discorilla? Well, then you should get some sleep because it's pwobably past yoh bedtime.

Here's something boring to watch but fun for Maggie, Ben, and Sam to get for Christmas:

I HATE MY VOICE.

And here's what my imaginative kids got me for Christmas. I was so surprised:

It makes me feel just like Peewee Herman. How did I get such thoughtful kids? What can I say? I don't make monkeys--I just train 'em. Ho ho ho.

The Day Before the Day Before

 I wish I could do a post about what my kids are getting for Christmas like I have in the past but times have changed and my kids read my blog. Can I just say, I'M BUSTING! I combined a little bit of hoarding bits and bobs over the last two months with a little fierce Black Friday shopping and some fevered Ebay bidding--those were the funnest and most exciting purchases. They are for Sam. I can't say anything else. I wish I could tell you. Or even give you a hint. I can't.

Here's the secret to having an awesome Christmas with your kids: Foster a spirit of deprivation throughout the rest of the year. Sam wants clothes this year--he's been wearing floods for the last three months! Hahahahahahahaha. Haha. How happy is he going to be to get some pants that fit?  I actually pulled them out a week ago and gave them to him out of shame. Do as I say, not as I do.

Bono, Why so serious?



Member the good old winking-sash-wearing days? Back then we used to say, "Edge, Why so serious?"


I am so excited because my kids got me something really thoughtful and awesome this year (from what I gather). They pooled their money and Christian paid for the rest! And my kids have like $75 each! What could it be? I really don't know. Usually I know but I act surprised. Merry Christmas. 

A Post About Ellen

Ellen is 3. She is very quirky. My older kids are now growing out of their shyness, but Ellen is the only one who was never shy. She enjoys chatting with people and doesn't take several hours to warm up, like my other kids. Or 7 years. I find her very interesting. 

Here she is raking leaves with Ben.

And here she is after she jumped off the stairs to impress her brothers.

Some of this is blood and swelling. Some of it is Popsicle. She severed her frenulum. Don't Google that. It has a genital counterpart.

Once I found Woody here. Ellen put him there. He has a doily blanket.

She considers herself a "dog trainer." Little does she know, she causes most of the chaos and confusion that has turned my dog crazy. "Sit! No! Here's a piece of bread! Get away!" Look at Frannie's eyes. Yikes.

I find hundreds of pictures that Ellen has taken of herself, of carpet, of dogs, etc. on my phone.

Here she is riding our foster dog, Oakley. Do you want Oakley? She's great--and house trained! I think she's part Pit Bull but, obviously, that's nothing to be afraid of. Please adopt her. Ellen likes to pretend to be a baby Oakley.

Yesterday Ellen grabbed the cat's face and said, "I can smell the cat's nose and it stinks." I asked her what it smelled like. She quickly replied, "Poop cookies."

The other day she was asking me if food goes into brains, like how food goes into stomachs. I told her no. But she kept insisting on it. Then she told me that Sponge Bob has Top Ramen in his brain. I'm sure she got that idea from the Halloween episode of Sponge Bob where he says, "Shave me down, make me round!" so he can dress up as a ghost. Underneath his ghost costume you see that his head is shaved down to his brain and it does look like Top Ramen. It's interesting to see how Ellen thinks, no?

She's also very boy-crazy. We have this Christmas card from Jason Chaffetz--I don't know why since I'm not a huge fan. In the family picture he has a teenage son who Ellen decided she "loves." This bothers me but maybe she'll grow out of it.

Today's Post

What have I been up to, you ask? Just stuff. I received many concerned texts several weeks ago when the church dissolved my calling worldwide. It came as quite a blow but--let's be honest--I would have burned out on Activities Committee sooner or later. It's how I like to end everything I start.

So the Ward Christmas Dinner was our last hurrah. There were a lot of potatoes. Specifically, there were 300 potatoes. 

 I wore my tool belt. It's rad.

Oriental Trading Company played an important part. They always do, don't they? Oriental traders are good people.

 It took all day to set up--but it was no big deal. Is 88 oz of Diet Coke a big deal?

 We used colored lights this year. My friend Jill bought 29 strands with her own money--not church funds--so don't get all up in arms and think the Activities Committees should be dissolved.

 My cell phone takes amazing pictures. It's kind of like my very own personal photographer who shows up at my events and generally follows me around taking pictures of my life. Kind of!

It was tiring. I couldn't move my neck the next day. But it was fun. If you're into that sort of thing. Some people aren't.

I spent months making the ward slideshow. Some of that time was spent stealing pictures off of people's Facebook pages in my ward. I don't expect you to watch the whole thing, but if you do you'll notice there's no music for the second half.  (The 2nd song is God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman by The Bare Naked Ladies). Thank goodness it worked at the party--no small task considering I did sound, computer, projector, microphone, and extension cords all by myself because Christian was out of town. I'm surprised I wasn't translated when it all started playing correctly! I have to say I was underwhelmed with my ward's response to the slideshow. I mean, I knew it wouldn't change anyone's life but actually that is exactly what I thought it would do. Then again, perhaps my ward was underwhelmed by the creepiness of me stealing their personal photos off of Facebook. Who can say?

And with that, the Activities Committee was gone.

Something I Like About My Husband Volume 7

It is not easy for me to write this in a month where my husband will be on business trips for a total of three weeks. I'm very put out about it. Am I glad to be married? That my husband is alive? That he is employed? That I don't have to work? Would it be worse to be a single mom or in the military? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes and a resounding yes. But still--it sucks. To those of you whose husbands work at home or are home by 5pm, I bear you no malice. In fact, I'm happy for you. But--it must be said--you're sissies.

What I like about my husband is that he bought a WaterPik [in between trips] that came with six different specific heads. He thoughtfully chose a head for each family member--periodontal pockets for me, braces scrubber for Sam, classic for Maggie, toothbrusher for Ben--and wrote their names on it in permanent marker. You can't be a too much of a deadbeat dad if you know the brushing weaknesses of everyone in your family. I give credit where credit is due. I guess WaterPik spouts are my love language.

List of Recurring Bad Dreams

This is a list of recurring bad dreams I've been having for years. I had the Mall Dream last night. I don't know what any of it means.

1. I am in high school or college and it's the end of the year and I realize I haven't been going to math all year and I can't remember my locker combination.Typical.

2. I give birth to a tiny inch-long worm-like baby that fails to thrive. Heartbreaking.

3. I have to go to the bathroom but the only ones available lack privacy and are clogged and overflowing with sewage. "Bad dreams about clogged toilets" is one of my favorite Google searches that someone has used to find my blog. (My all-time favorite Google search is "pantyhose all day stink."

4. I'm in a mall and I get lost in an area that is closed and scary and takes a long time to get out of or I walk out of the mall and I'm in a strange place, a Lego city, or Europe. I have to walk home and I don't know the way. It's surprisingly frightening. I have this mall dream all the time and I often confuse the layout of the dream mall with the real mall. There is always a certain wing to avoid (like how Mervyns is closed and vacant now at the University mall) but I always end up in that wing with lots of tarps and scaffolding and it's an evil place. Dreadful.

5. I develop a large, fleshy, sometimes vein-y, moldy, mushroom-like  lump or growth on my head. This is the most hideous dream I have. I hate it. I even hate writing about it. I'm making myself sick right now. In addition to being shameful and grotesque, I fear that it is a manifestation of my body diagnosing itself with a brain tumor.

This is To Brandon Flowers

Brandon Flowers,
Are you a Mormon [again] [still] [yet]? I just wonder because technically you are but then I thought you were lapsed but then you named your son Ammon which is a pretty bold move, even in an ironic "lapsed Mormon" sort of way. I support you. I'd love to see you making a go at Mormonism because you and I both know it's true but whatever. I'm just curious. You're cute.

Books I Read in October and November: 2010

I didn't ever get around to posting the books I read in October and do you know what? No one even noticed or cared. That said, reading books is fun. I like it. Here's what I read in October and November.

How Not to Look Old by Charla Krupp. Get a body shaper. Don't wear too much eye make up or dark lipstick. Done and done. And done.


Bitter Seeds by Ian Tregliss. What if we had Super Heroes and Magic to fight Nazis? Where do I sign!


Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Women by Kristine Carlson. This was a good book, I guess. I was too distracted by the author's references to her daughter named "Jazzy" to notice anything else. Jazzy?


On Gratitude by Todd Aaron Jensen. This is a very interesting book with short interviews by famous people. Insightful, humble, coherent famous people are not plentiful. Stan Lee is one. John Krasinski is another. Wow. Movie stars say a lot of cliches.


*The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. Everyone who suggested this book to me was absolutely right. It is one of my top 5 favorite books ever. It is beautiful and moving and interesting. I love it. You might think, what else could someone write about the Holocaust?(See also Bitter Seeds.) Or you might think that you know all about the Holocaust already. But you're wrong and this book is something special. If you loaned it to me, I will return it soon. But I did spill some Diet Coke on it so I'm buying you a new one.


*Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by JK Rowling. Really, really awesome. It's such a great story. I really wish people who think they are too good for Harry Potter could know how delightful this series is. But I'm actually kind of glad they don't because it's a way of punishing them for having bad taste and being prideful. If you haven't read it out loud to your kids, seen all the movies on opening night, dressed up as the characters for Halloween or had deep, meaningful chats about the nature of good and evil and the importance of treating others kindly then you just missed out on ten years of rollicking good fun.



The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney. Life-changing for a person like me. I always thought I was just a failed extrovert.


*The Introvert and Extrovert in Love by Marti Olsen Laney. Also life-changing. This books describes every fight Christian and I have ever had--he always thought I was just a failed extrovert.


Gunn's Golden Rules by Tim Gunn.  Tim Gunn is a good person. He's also an introvert.


Lincoln: A Photobiography by Russell Freedman. I have a special testimony of Abraham Lincoln. He was important. I kind of love him. A few Saturdays ago after I did some preliminary chores it became clear to me that I would stay in bed for the rest of the day and watch the History channel. I'm not shy about how much I love certain TV shows, but it's actually quite uncommon for me to lay around and watch live TV for several hours. I started with a show about Lincoln which was incredible and informative. Then I watched something about Lizzy Borden and then D.B. Cooper. They were less inspiring.


Soft-Spoken Parenting by Wallace Goddard. This has some great suggestions and I really like the principle of this book. Abraham Lincoln would like this book, too.  He said, "It is my pleasure that my children are free, happy, and unrestrained by parental tyranny. Love is the chain whereby to bind a child to its parents."


So there you have it. I've read 55 books this year. Some are short and some are long. Recommendations are always welcome--if it weren't for blog comments I would never have read The Book Thief, which would be a great loss.