Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Jazz, Tap, and Ballet

All through grade school I was jealous of Jennifer Hardy. She was very popular and everyone liked her. Truth be told, she is a pretty likable person. In about 4th grade I took a dance class from a place called The Dance Factory.  Jennifer was the only other person in this class from my school.  We paired up to perform a human flip flop--the big move in our old-timey beach-frolicking recital dance. To perform the flip flop two people stand back to back and do a back bend but instead of reaching back to the ground you grab each other around the waist creating a rainbow shape. Then you lift and flip each other across the stage alternating between facing up and facing the ground. It's really a feat more than a move.

At school one day Jennifer wanted to do the flip flop with me at recess to show all our friends, more her friends than mine--but whatever. When we did it I passed gas in her face--not on purpose, of course. That's just kind of how it goes for me. Popular, friendly people don't scorn me or leave me out. It's just that when they do include me I accidentally pass gas in their face. It's no one's fault, really.

The best thing about The Dance Factory was that they had a van and a driver who would pick you up from school, take you to dance, and bring you home at the end. This was great for my mom because she worked. It was great for Jennifer's mom too. Both our moms are named Georgia--if you can imagine.
Our driver was named Richard and we thought he was great. He was young and cool. He looked a little like Barry Gibb and if there is a better recommendation than that, I can't think of it. The three of us were the only ones on the bus. Think about it--would you send two 4th graders alone on a bus with Barry Gibb? It's just an example of how things were different back then.

Oh but we had a blast. I looked forward to the bus rides more than the dance class which made me feel self-conscious and awful and like I was betraying my true self (which I was).
We hid under the seats or sat up front--we weren't strapped into car seats like today's 4th graders! Jennifer was adorable and gregarious and when we played "Name that Song" with the radio buttons I always won. Together Jennifer and I were the whole package, she was a bigger portion of the package than I was--but whatever. We got the feeling that Richard really enjoyed our company and thought we were cool. Of course one must ask,  what guy in their mid-20s drives a dance van for tweens in leotards? From my--I'll say it--gorgeous--picture above you can see that we were OBVIOUSLY very lucky nothing untoward happened. But seriously, we were lucky Richard was a nice guy who didn't kidnap or molest us. And I was lucky because I believe that Richard really did think I was cool and funny, which was formative and served me well when I was accidentally passing gas in people's faces.

On the last day we had a picnic in the van. We had been planning it for weeks--like you do when you are little and the planning is always way more fun than anything real you can ever do because you don't have money and can't actually go anywhere. We all contributed something. Guess what I brought? See if you can. Let's see, what would someone who might accidentally pass gas in your face bring to share at a picnic? Tuna fish sandwiches, of course! If there's any offering from a 4th grader with stinky tap shoes that is more off-putting than a homemade, brown-bagged tuna sandwhich, I can't think of it.

Bless their hearts: They ate them--and happily, too. Jennifer brought drinks and Richard brought a bag of Twizzlers. He actually went to the store and picked up a bag of Twizzlers for the picnic we had planned. I know it's weird.  I would never recommend dating or marrying a dance van driver who parties with 4th graders but I got the sense at my young age and I still have it when I look back on our seemingly completely inappropriate bus club that Richard might have been a really great guy.

My dance teacher was a man named Don Zimmerman. We never had a picnic with him but he wore tight, yet somehow flared, knit dance pants and those shoes. You know the shoes--jazz shoes. Except for my haven in the van, it was all really quite hideous.

22 comments:

  1. I think if there were annals of the funniest blog posts of all time, this would be the first and last in the volume.
    I'm posting this on facebook.

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  2. Have you ever read "A Girl Named Zippy" by Haven Kimmel? This post seems like it could be a chapter in that book.

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  3. This is quite the deal. I have no choice but to retweet this magnificence.

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  4. Best. post. ever! you had me at the gas part and then kept me rolling with richard and the van. literally laughing out loud.

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  5. I have to agree. This is the funniest thing on earth. How old would I have been when you were taking those van rides? 3? 4? Were those the days of my camo smock at the Academic Preschool? Sometimes I think my not working is doing my kids a disservice. Where are the "Richards" in their life??? Where are their camo smocks and tuna fish sandwiches?

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  6. Brilliant. Where's the next chapter? I want to read on!

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  7. I'd like to think that Richard would read this now. And smile, only sort of creepily. Just barely.

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  8. You are brilliantly funny. I hope 5th grade has a story too..... :)

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  9. Have I told you before that your blog is just about my favorite? Well, it is.

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  10. i wish i could express how funny i think you are. but i can't. so i'll just say that this was really, really, really funny and i was laughing aloud.

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  11. I can't stop laughing! You're a comic genius!

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  12. Are you channeling Tina Fey? Can you please write a book and get famous and invite me to go on your book signing tours and snub people with you? Just kidding, but only about the snubbing part. It would only be accidental snubbing, not purposeful.

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  13. I love this post. Thank you for being so funny and interesting. And public. Please do not give up on getting a book published. The world needs you!

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  14. Hilarious. That's the funniest thing I've read in a LONG time. Thanks!

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  15. I'm with Melinda - you need to collaborate with Zippy!

    And I wonder if your teacher is related to Tory Zimmerman - a dance teacher I had at BYU - he was very dramatic! Might have worn tight flared knit pants if they'd been available then!

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  16. Oh man, I'm still laughing out loud! Which I rarely do. So much so, that Miguel was asking what I was reading from across the room. Thanks for that.

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  17. Anonymous10:20 AM

    Don Zimmerman was in my ward in Orem growing up, and he made up amazing things for the Primary program. Lots of actions to the songs. I haven't thought about him in a long long time.

    And you should write a book.

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  18. So funny! I was telling my 17 year old daughter about this post. She said, "Who is Barry Gibb?" I took her right to youtube and showed her. Great post. You are such a great writer.

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  19. That was truly hilarious from beginning to end. It made me think of my gymnastics coach who always had on a tight T-shirt that said "Behind this T-shirt is one wild and crazy guy."

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  20. As a Provo gal myself, I totally remember Don Zimmerman! Man, I was never lucky enough to have him as a dance teacher, but his son was my age at school. Don was all the rage at Dixon school assemblies when he would come to dance for us all and show us the moves he used as an extra in Footloose.....cause he was a real celebrity! p.s. Great post.

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  21. I'm just proud to have ever known you...and possibly Jennifer. :-)

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  22. This was sooo funny!

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