Here’s what I did today: Instead of voting I went to Super Target. At Super Target I had to push the cart using my legs or the side of the cart because Ben insisted on monopolizing the cart-pushing handle and “pushing it himself.” You realize he’s 2 and was sitting IN the cart. How to explain that you have to have something to push off of when you are pushing a cart—like legs, on the ground. Anyway. I got some clear over-the-door shoe hangers because I do whatever Real Simple tells me too. I really had to eat humble pie with Real Simple by the way. They sent me a free issue of “real solutions and actionable ideas.” I wrote “Actionable? No thanks.” on the refusal form and sent it back. Little did I know I would become addicted to the magazine. Little did I know that their use of “actionable” is perfectly acceptable by modern standards of usage.
I puzzled over dishcloths for a while. There is no discernible difference between a dishcloth and a washcloth yet I once bought some white washcloths to use as dishcloths and they always smell sour. So what’s the deal? This is what I was trying to figure out when I realized how long I had been standing there. I got some “dishcloths” and some micro fiber dish towels. I know micro fiber is just a new way to say polyester and I’m cool with that. Then I tried on some pants by holding them up in front of me. When I got them home, I was surprised to see they didn’t fit. Do you think they were too big or too small? Don’t answer that. I also needed some new sunglasses. I remembered this because just last Sunday I was teaching a lesson on optimism and I mentioned that I hated the sun and bright colors and that I could wear drab colors and it would not affect my mood at all. I said this in response to the girls’ suggestion that being in the sun and wearing bright colors might increase one’s optimism, which is not a bad idea for most people. I don’t know why I said this next thing because it’s not part of my normal vernacular but I concluded the whole discussion with, “Know thyself.” While sunglass shopping it slipped my mind that pink is the new brown and I bought two pair: a pink pair and a brown pair. Ah geeze.
On the way home I did something crazy and out of character. I was listening to The Commitments soundtrack. It is not generally my practice to recommend a soundtrack but this is a must-have—especially if you are Irish, like me. It’s not Irish-sounding, but the movie this soundtrack comes from is about Irish people so please don’t pooh-pooh it because you think it might have something to do with River Dance. Legend has it that the lead singer, Andrew Strong, was only 16 when this was recorded. He’s stunningly good. So I was listening to “Treat Her Right,” my favorite song on the album. At one point it gets a little quiet and there’s some talky talky and then the music starts up, horns a blarin’ and they all shout “Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!” At this point I spontaneously made 2 fists just below my face and said “Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.” along with the music. I took my hands off the steering wheel to do this. I swear. I never know what I will do.
I continued to drive around trying to get Ben to fall asleep. I was about to stop at the Magleby’s like usual and go through their bedrooms, (Just kidding. Or am I?) but then I remembered to go vote. It was a par-teh! Everyone was there. And when I say everyone, I mean Sista C and my Marriage and Family Relations Teacher who announced from the pulpit that instead of just the recommended 8 couples he felt that a 9th couple “really needed the class,” causing a lot of speculation among the members of the class (myself included) about who that might be. My friend Marsha was also there and I totally tried to contest her voting privileges but then she tried to contest mine and we just cancelled each other out—as did our votes. So it was a giant waste of time but I did get an “I Voted” sticker to put on my lapel. What could I possibly be wearing today that includes a lapel? Wouldn’t you like to know.