Monday, September 10, 2007

10 Questions a la Klosterman

Chuck Klosterman asks 23 questions in his book, Sex, Drugs, and Coco Puffs to ascertain whether or not he could love a person.Here's an example of one:

"Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician. Let us assume he can do five simple tricks--he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein. These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five. HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic. It's not an allusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space. He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence. Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?"

(I say yes because real magic is impressive to me.)

Ever since I read through his questions I've been thinking of my own. I've posed a few casually before on my blog (John or Paul, Steve or Joe, etc.) and the answers are always telling. Here are some more that I have been thinking about. Please answer them honestly so I will know if I can love you.

1. If for some reason you had to make out with Stephen King or Marilyn Manson, who would you choose?

2. If you were about to walk through a magic doorway that exaggerated all of your latent and secret personality traits and the qualities that you intentionally suppress to make your public image more appealing would you emerge on the other side of the doorway as an F-Dude (cowboy/redneck) or more like a Goth?

3. If exercise could make you healthier, fitter, live longer, and more energetic but did not make you thinner, would you exercise?

4. Would you rather be a famous and talented rock star for 5 years, a mediocre but cool actor that does well but ultimately ends up working on TV (Like Jason Lee, for example), a really famous actor that's extremely well-paid but no good (Like Tom Hanks), or a working novelist who receives acclaim in the literary world but no real fame and is well-off but not rich?

4a. If to become one of the above-mentioned people you would be required to never see your mom again, would you do it?

5. Who would you want to like you--and by "like" I mean call you when something exciting happens to them, care about your opinion, and think you are interesting: John F. Kennedy, Martin Scorsese, David Letterman, Johnny Depp, Tiger Woods, or Cameron Diaz?

6. Pretend that you are at a Television studio with two huge rooms. In one room President Bush is going to confront Osama Bin Laden who will be apprehended and apologize sincerely and the war will end and Tony Blair will be there too along with other world leaders and American troops. In the other room (at the same time) David Gilmour, Roger Waters (who will sound good), and Syd Barrett (who will be alive) are reuniting as Pink Floyd to perform The Wall and Wish You Were Here. You can only attend one event and neither will be rebroadcast. Which would you attend?

7. If you somehow found out for sure that there was no God and no afterlife (but still consequences in this life), is there anyone you would try to murder? Who?

8. Would you rather have a condition where you could never raise your heart rate above resting rate because you would die or have a disfigured face?

9. If you are a woman, would you rather give up make-up or have mild body odor constantly?

10. Would you rather be upper middle class in Arizona or lower middle class in Utah County?
(Assume there is no chance whatsoever of changing your financial status.)

Can I love you? Do you love me?

29 comments:

  1. You are awesome.
    BTW, I just finished "Wonderful Tonight" by Pattie Boyd, and seeing your Eric Clapton Biography there makes me feel so inclined...even though I don't know how he can remember anything...at all.

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  2. 1.Marilyn Manson
    2. Goth
    3. NO
    4. Novelist
    4a. On some days, yes. Just kidding, Mom!
    5.David Letterman
    6. President Bush and Osama Bin Laden
    7. Yes: Colonel Sanders with those wee beady eyes...
    8. Heart rate, definitely heart rate
    9. Would the body odor somehow give me perfect skin? Better choose makeup.
    10. Lower middle class in Utah, because Fall in Utah ROCKS MY WORLD
    Can you love me?

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  3. We are very, very close Carly. I can love you. But I would go to Pink Floyd and not wear make-up. I always did like Pink Floyd more than you and Body Odor less. We are simpatico.

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  4. I don't think we can love each other.

    10. AZ. Hello!
    9. Give up make-up, for sure
    8. Disfigured face
    7. um
    6. Pink Floyd
    5. David Letterman
    4. a novelist, except that I am not a writer
    4a. No way
    3. theoretically
    2. is there a third option?
    1. I am too repulsed by this scenario to answer

    Good questions!

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  5. You do fascinate me, Miss Kacy. For what it is worth:
    1. Stephen King. Marilyn Manson gives me the creeps like no other.
    2. And yet, I answer Goth.
    3. Yes. I am that description and still I run. I must like it.
    4. Novelist. But only because I have NO desire for fame.
    4a. No.
    5. David Letterman, with Johnny Depp a close runner-up. Mostly because I find them fascinating.
    6. Pink Floyd.
    7. No.
    8. Disfigured face.
    9. Make-up. I practically have already anyway.
    10. AZ. Sorry but Utah County scares me.

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  6. 1. Stephen King- no contest.

    2. Goth. My secret obsession with long naps gives that one away.

    3. NOPE

    4. Novelist. (or can we substitute that with artist?)I think to be any of those other things you have to speak or sing in public.

    4a. NEVAH

    5. Johnny Depp

    6. Pink Floyd- total no brainer.
    That's how interested I am in politics.

    7. How to choose? Hugh Allred.

    8. heart rate!!!!

    9. Bye Bye Makeup

    10. I will never live anywhere but Utah again- especially AZ. YUK.

    Kacy, do you love me?

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  7. Dede disappoints with her altruistic exercising, but we are soul mates on a higher Trivial Pursuit level.Jenna, I love you and I love that you would murder one Hugh Allred. Hope he don't google himself!!

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  8. Emily, give it up and make out with Marilyn Manson already! I'm not saying you want to, but if you had to . . .

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  9. Please note that I said "make out with" and not "hang out with." I would choose to hang out with Stephen King any day but make out? That could never happen. But in some alternate universe with strange requirements me and Marilyn Manson could happen.

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  10. 1. I would have to say Steven King - because even though he is creepy, he isn't a Satan worshiper and isn't named Marilyn. And I couldn't make out with someone who wears lipstick.
    2. F-Dude. Again - the devil worshiping thing. I've known too many goths.
    3. No, well - maybe on occasion, but in general my exercising is directly related to my attempts at being thinner and for no other reason.
    4. A mediocre but cool actor on tv. I leave the novelist title to you and Carly.
    4a. Nope
    5. Tiger Woods. Because JFK is dead and that would freak me out. Martin Scorcese is twitchy and it makes me nervous. David Letterman is cool and a close second. Johnny Depp is unpatriotic and is cute but scares me a little. Tiger Woods seems like a nice fellow and even though he is a famous golfer, I am not that in awe of golf so he seems like a regular Joe to me and therefore I wouldn't be intimidated. Cameron Diaz is an idiot.
    6. That's a tough one but I would have to probably say Pink Floyd because people tend to respond well to me telling them that I was at Rattle and Hum.
    7. No, but I might be meaner to some people.
    8. Well, I already answered the exercise thing so I would have to say never raise my resting heart rate. Although that would make me fatter.
    9. Give up makeup. There is almost no scent that I hate more than b.o.
    10. I would say upper middle class in Arizona because then I could afford to crank up the air conditioning. And my favorite restaurant is there.

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  11. hrt, what is your favorite restaurant, so I can go there before I give up my upper-middle class in Arizona status, and become lower-middle class in Utah County? I have 7 days and counting. Do tell.

    Oh man. I did an image search on both of these lover boys and I'm still so gagarific-ed by them both, but I think I'm making out with Stephen King by a nose. Can we still be neighbors?

    And, after some reflection, I think I need to actually be present to watch Osama turn himself in, although it's kind of a bummer that Gordon Brown would send Blair instead of being there himself (!) . I do love a resurrected Syd Barrett, though.

    I'd be a dork if I walked through the doorway. Does that make me an F-dude? 'Cause I hate that idea.

    I may or may not be done discussing these issues.

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  12. 1. I would make out with Stephen King in a heartbeat. More than once if given the chance.

    2. Hard to say. I think I might end up a Redneck because I'm not depressed enough to be a Goth. Plus I love BBQ.

    3. Like Dede, I do and it don't.

    4. Rockstar

    4a. No

    5. David Letterman

    6. Bush and Osama. Sorry dear.

    7. Hugh Allred. I don't know him but he seems unpopular.

    8. Sick. Heart rate of course.

    9. I am not a woman, but BO is repulsive.

    10. Lower MC in UC. Sorry Arizonians but your state is too hot.

    ReplyDelete
  13. 1. I would have to choose Stephen King (although he has bad teeth and probably bad breath). Marilyn Manson wears more makeup than I do and I wouldn't want it smeared all over my face and clothes.

    2. Hard to say. I don't ever see myself as a Goth. I'll have to go with an F-Dude.

    3. I would still run. Running puts me in a good place.

    4. I would rather be the acclaimed novelist. I do not like to be in the spotlight! If I couldn't see my mom again, I would not do it. Family is more important than money.

    5. Johnny Depp. He is interesting.

    6. Studio A would be my choice. I am interested in current events. I would also like to know what Osama Bin Laden would have to say and would want to see if anyone would try to assasinate him. Pink Floyd is classic, but I can always listen to Wish You Were Here on my ipod.

    7. I would never murder anyone.

    8. I would rather have a disfigured face. Keeping the old heart-rate at resting wouldn't allow me to function normally.

    9. I'd give up make-up. Being stinky would be terrible.

    10. Lower middle class in Utah County. Arizona is way too hot and I wouldn't want to leave my family.

    Here are 2 questions for you to answer in order for me to tell if I can love you...

    Would you rather be deaf or blind?

    Would you rather sit in a bathtub of human poop or a bathtub of human vomit? :)

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  14. Christian, Stephen King and I were just talking about how easy you are. I've thought a lot about being deaf or blind, Lindsey. I would choose blind. I guess I'd rather sit in vomit than poo. (I basically have.)

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  15. Interesting answer. I would like to hear your reasoning on being blind over beind deaf.

    I threw in the poo/vomit question per Ammon's request.

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  16. 1. I would have to be severely intoxicated for either.
    2.Goth
    3.not likely
    4.novelist. I don't think I'm cut out for being famous. Good thing I'm an accountant.
    4a. No way
    5.Johnny Depp. But that is mostly because I love him.
    6.Pink Floyd
    7.No
    8.Disfigured face
    9.As much as it pains me to say this: give up the make-up.
    10.yikes. I don't think my esposo would survive in either place. :)

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  17. 1. Stephen King (my dad went to college with him, and he's a pretty mild guy)
    2. Goth
    3. This applies (no ifs about it), and I exercise.
    4. working novelist (surprise to all who know me)
    4a. no.
    5. Letterman
    6. Bush v. binLaden (again, a huge surprise perhaps, but I dislike Pink Floyd more than I can express. Different band...different story.)
    7. no.
    8. disfigured face.
    9. give up makeup.
    10. Being the latter, at this moment you couldn't pay me to move to AZ.

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  18. I am intrigued by all the Arizona haters. People here cannot fathom why I would choose to move to Utah. It's all very entertaining.

    Also, hrt, I need your restaurant recommendation!

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  19. I want to make it clear that my reason for not wanting to move to AZ is because I can't stand the heat in UT, so AZ's out of the question.

    Thanks. Lover, not a fighter.

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  20. 1. Stephen King
    2. F-Dude
    3. No
    4. Rock Star
    4a. No
    5. David Letterman
    6. Osama
    7. nah
    8. heart rate
    9. no make-up
    10. Utah

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  21. Notice how (except for Em and Heidi who grew up there) I have subconsciously surrounded myself with people who hate AZ? And by the way, it's not just the heat. It's the terra cotta too.

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  22. 1. Marilyn Manson. He has pretty teeth and nice lips.

    2. Cowboy for sure.

    3. No.

    4. Mediocre but cool actor. I think I'm halfway there.

    4a. No. But she would want me to.

    5. Martin Scorcese.

    6. Bush and Bin Laden

    7. There are three people who drive me crazy. They don't know they do, so I would have to do this all very secretly.

    8. I choose the heart rate.

    9. I'm not a woman. I'd take the no make-up option for my significent other.

    10. Utah County. Sorry Arizona. PS. I AM lower middle class in Utah County, so it's no stretch.

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  23. People just weren't MEANT to live in Arizona. It's a land of cacti and collared peccories. And I believe the restaurant hrt is talking about is Carlos O'Brien's.

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  24. you expect too much and i don't know if i can measure up. i had a hard time getting past the albert einstein question...

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  25. 1. Marylin
    2. Goth - the clothing options are more appealing
    3. No
    4. Novelist
    4a. No
    5. David Letterman because his approval is so hard won
    6.Pink Floyd
    7. No
    8. Heart problem
    9. I can deal with body odor, but my dark circles must be dealt with
    10.Upper-class because then I will be rich enough to leave AZ on vacations

    ReplyDelete
  26. 1. Stephen King
    2. Goth
    3. I would exercise
    4. Working novelist
    4a. I would miss my mom
    5. David Letterman, definitely
    6. War ending
    7. No murdering
    8. I'd prefer the resting heart rate, but then what about #3? Because I would exercise. Maybe I could do very, very mild yoga.
    9. Makeup, definitely
    10. I have never been to Arizona but I like Utah and am used to being on the lower end, so Utah by default.

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  27. I would rather give up makeup than have BO, just to clarify that one.

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  28. 1. Stephen King. Although the first time I read it I thought you said Marilyn Monroe and I was like, is this even a hard question? What does that say about me?

    2. Goth with a mean temper.
    3. Yes, still exercise.
    4. Working novelist, I don't want to be famous, just well off.
    4a. No, because my mother would never let me, she'll hunt me down to the ends of the earth (and that's why I love her.)
    5. Scorsese, Scorsese, Scorsese. I already have a hero-crush on him.
    6. GW, TB, OBL. Comes as a shock to no one.
    7. No, because every person is somebody's baby. I might make their life miserable, but I wouldn't end it for them.
    I'm a mean girl at heart.
    8. I'd go with the resting heart rate, all the better to watch TV and look fabulous doing it.
    9. This one is a tough one for me. Really. I supposed I might choose the body odor and move back to Europe.
    10. As the others have stated, I'm already LMC UT. I am a delicate flower and would wilt in the AZ heat.

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  29. I'm going to start asking these questions to every person the first time I meet them.

    ReplyDelete

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