Monday, April 21, 2008

Heart Man

In retrospect I guess you could say it was a mistake. I don't know what came over me in February and again in April. It's probably my allegiance, as a child, to Santa Claus and, now, to Jesus that made me do it. I just feel like I only have so much credibility with my kids. Personally I don't want to waste it on maintaining fake lore like The Easter Bunny or Jack Frost. My credit is leveraged 100% with Jesus and Joseph Smith. (And Santa is just too much fun not to buy into.)

As a kid I utterly believed in (and loved) Santa Claus until 4th grade when I found a pair of fake leather boots with zippers on the sides, Calabash jeans, and a maroon corduroy blazer stashed in a Babes to Boogies bag in my mom's closet shortly before Christmas. Whoa. That's when I came of age and began an apprenticeship with my older sister about unwrapping and re-wrapping--with surgical precision--every gift under the tree. This we did in order to kill time until Christmas morning when we would finally receive the Santa-Claus-stuff that we had already found [and tried on] in my mom's closet. It was wonderful! I love Christmas so much. Because I had so much invested in Christmas I never ever believed in the Easter Bunny. It just wasn't plausible. He would have to be human-sized to carry the Easter baskets. A regular bunny couldn't maneuver those things. Would he stand erect? Walking upright on two legs? It didn't add up.

I assumed my kids didn't buy it either. So on Easter morning I was just being funny and I said,"Guys, there's something I have to tell you. I am the Easter Bunny." They were shocked! They stopped talking and stared at me. Sam, my oldest, looked at me like, "How could you do that to the children? How could you!" The others were disappointed and surprised at how cavalier I was. It was almost as though the hours I [and not the Easter Bunny] had spent the night before sorting and counting candy, hiding Easter baskets and creating a separate webby yarn trail for each of them that led to their basket was all for naught.

I was just being funny on Valentine's Day, too. Since there is no real mascot for Valentine's Day I started singing this song I made up about Heart Man while the kids unloaded their Valentines. It's kind of a scary song--all minor chords--and I make my voice sort of evil when I sing it. You know, just some light-hearted holiday fun: "Heart Man, he comes in the night. Heart Man, you'll put up a fight." [And then you say "slice!" with accompanying hand actions.] They were asking me all about Heart Man and I was thinking that it really is fun to be with your kids and just talk and be creative. But uh, as it turns out-as I would find out at bedtime--they were actually quite frightened by my charming incarnation.

So there are some parenting mistakes for you to learn from. Free of charge! (Unless you click on my link to the LDS church, become a member, and start paying tithing--but who's counting!)

16 comments:

  1. I feel like all I ever comment on your blog is "I agree" or "You are hilarious". But I want you to know these things, because they're true.

    So here goes:

    I agree, and you are hilarious.

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  2. I am totally with you on the Easter Bunny. My kids come home from school and say so and so says the Easter Bunny is real...I am actually not very nice when I correct that notion. I refuse to make this holiday a commerical one. So there. Now you know what I think! :)

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  3. I'm a super meanie. Since the time my kids were little I actually have told them that Santa is not real. I just get so sick of everyone in the media saying "They believe!" and bearing their testimonies of Santa. The Easter bunny hasn't really ever come up. I guess I figured, like you, that they don't believe in it. Maybe I'm totally wrong. It just chaps my hide that all these fictional characters get all the glory. I'm the one who picks out, pays for and wraps all these presents, stockings and baskets. I would full credit!!!

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  4. could you please adopt me? I think you would be my kind of mom. The Heart Man scares me too, though. I might have bad dreams tonight.

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  5. I love to mess with my kids heads. Sounds like you do too. I will have to remember Heart Man for next year. It sounds like a good one.

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  6. Then who brings my See's Chocolate Butter Eggs each year?

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  7. I will use Santa Claus if it will get me two months of decent behavior.

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  8. I still "believe" in the Easter Bunny only because I hope that my belief will get me another part in a movie ("Stalking the Easter Bunny"--working title, anyway) that will one day pay off our student loans.

    (I am impressed by your improv skills--nice song!)

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  9. So let me get this straight. Every year on Feb. 14th, this guy in a doctors coat comes to your house and guts you like a fish and takes off with your heart. However in return, he leaves you candy.

    I don't know about the rest of you on here, but this is freaking AWESOME. Wee Willy Winky has nothing on this guy.

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  10. Anonymous1:20 PM

    You can't prove they weren't real leather.

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  11. Ok first of all...how do you know becky brandt? I found this link on her blog...and it seemed very familiar and I couldn't place why. Then I remembered: you're the magleby's pal.

    Well hello again! I'm the girl Becca who pestered the Magleby's everyday! I find it quite funny that somehow I ended up at your blog. Anyway, I cried when my mom told me the easter bunny wasn't real. And then I set a trap for santa to see if he was real. Somehow he got through it...so I determined that he was real...at least for another year or two.

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  12. My 7 yr old made sure that I knew she believed in Santa AND the Easter Bunny, Just in Case.

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  13. My husband informs me every year that continuing the tradition of Santa, (et al) is a big fat lie. And he's not a liar. He's told the kids that too. My older two know the scoop, my 4-year-old is still trying to hold onto the myth. I miss the charade sometimes. But it is a whole lot easier this way.

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  14. Hey, at least you do Valentines and Easter PRESENTS. In Taiwan, I didn't even tell my kids it was Easter, let alone give them baskets, count candy, devise scavenger hunts, and so forth. I guess now my kids think that the Easter Bunny never comes to Taiwan.

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  16. Great read! Love the Heart Man song story. As a mom, I too have unthinkingly said some things that put such a devastating look on my boys faces that I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!! Fortunately, we always associated Santa with any other pretend characters, and I got plenty of earfuls from other moms when I didn't agree with the Santa thing. My baby turned 21 two days ago, and he turned out wonderful and never believed in either SC or EB. So good for you!

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