Tuesday, May 13, 2008

This Is How I Really Feel About Our Hampster

Hampster, I look forward to the day that I casually walk past your cage and you are dead. I would never kill you outright; neither will I suffer when you inevitably, irrevocably pass away from neglect. To be sure, we have provided life's necessities to you: food, water, a clean cage. I don't hate you--what do you think I am, some kind of monster? No, but I don't love you either. No one really loves you and that's your fault. Here are all the things you have failed to do when we brought you home and entered into the two-way promise of pet ownership:

Be charming

Learn tricks

Endear yourself to us in any way

Show any signs of sentience

Have any redeeming qualities whatsoever

Not stink

What gives, Hampster? I refuse to get into some co-dependent hate/hate relationship with you. Your self-defeating behavior sickens me. You have no sense of delayed gratification or appreciation for normal bio-rhythms--stuffing your face with all your food immediately and running incessantly on your tread mill in the middle of the night. If you could purge after you binge, would you? Stop right there--I can't do this with you.

Sometimes I imagine simply flicking you out into my backyard to be swooped up by a passing bird of prey. But frankly, to die in the noble clutches of a soaring hawk is too good for you. This is how I really feel.

27 comments:

  1. Kacy, my dear, you have outdone yourself this time. You have perfectly captured the distasteful rite called small-pet-ownership. You might consider leaving the hamster (in its cage) on a hot sidewalk for an hour or so to "get a breath of fresh air". It's much speedier than you might think. Not that I'd know.

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  2. I didn't even know you had a hamster. Where is it? And why did you ever agree to something like that?

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  3. When I had a gerbil, I would wait until it was running it's its little wheel then I would spin that sucker so fast he would experience g-forces unknown to the gerbil world.

    Even though they never cease to smell like urine, you can still have some fun. It's also ironic how rodent poison looks exactly like gerbil food.

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  4. That is exactly how I feel about the goldfish that Rian just brought home from a school fair. And they don't stink or make noise.

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  5. Well, maybe next time Hugh comes over you could "accidentally" leave the cage open and Hugh could "accidentally" hug him to death. Who's going to blame the three year-old?! Not as noble as the hawk's clutch, but maybe stronger. . .

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  6. Oh my gosh. I love you. Please be my new best friend. (The old one likes hamsters, clearly there is something WRONG with her.)

    This is exactly how I feel about my dog.

    That was the best laugh I had all day.

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  7. Kacy, I am pretty sure we share the same brain.
    My 11 yr old has been working all year to "earn" a hampster...her idea, not mine. Needless to say, I am pretty sure I will come up with about a thousand more things for her to do before that ever happens. I sound horrible...but I warned it that it was a long shot at best...little did she know how long! I'm pretty sure I'll be paying for therapy bills when she is grown b/c I never followed through with a hampster.

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  8. P.S. I just linked to you. You will be underwhelmed by the traffic, I'm sure. ;>

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  9. Maybe you should trade him in on a shiny new goldfish!

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  10. Haha! This is really funny, thanks for the laugh.

    PS. I came here from Navel Gazing at its Finest.

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  11. I am the meanest mom in the world, as I have never allowed a pet rodent to cross our threshold (the non-pet rodents? Well, that's a whole other story). Thanks for justifying me in my decision to remain relentlessly pet-free.

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  12. And this is why we have no hamster at our house.

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  13. You should just bring it our house. There's something toxic to hamsters in the air here. At least that's what I've come to conclude, because after four attempts within a year, we gave up and decided hamster ownership is NOT FOR US!

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  14. true confessions time. I totally murdered a hamster. Not on purpose, but it's true that forgetting to bring the cage back inside after cleaning it on a hot day will be a fatal mistake. Also, burying it in a shallow grave so the dogs dig up a putrid hamster skin is a big mistake. Very ignoble way to go.

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  15. Hamsters, being stupid as well as dumb, can only stink to tell us how they feel. And then they can lean against their water bottle and drown in sodden shavings. Remember the stupid part? There's no need to bake the creature. Just pile the shavings up under the water bottle and no one will know. Except me. And I found this out accidentally.

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  16. I lurk here every day, but rarely comment. But today, I couldn't help myself. Having a pet hamster myself as a child, I laughed out loud at this post. Poor, pathetic creatures. Who ever thought that they would be good pets?

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  17. I'm here from Navel Gazing as well - blog of Sue who does not know me from Adam. Priceless post. I linked to you too. I just couldn't help myself.

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  18. great. my 12 year old who doesnt seem to do homework was bribed with one of these rodents. now she is ending the year with straight A's. and we will have to become hamster owners. i didn't say hamster lovers now did i?

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  19. I have never understood hamster ownership.

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  20. Omigosh! Thank you for giving me my good belly laugh of the day. I could insert "Cat" everywhere you have "hamster" and it would just about say it perfectly for me. At least you have the comfort of knowing the lifespan of a hamster is usually 2 years max. What do I do with a 1 year old cat who has 8 or 9 more years to go???....hmmmm...I...could...accidentally introduce him to... our neighbors pit bull....? Ahhhh so tempting....!!

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  21. I am again grateful for my pet-hating husband. Ha ha.

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  22. LOL....I shouldn't laugh because my daughters hamster just died within the past year - poor thing.

    Very funny blog. Stop over sometime....you may be in the same "thought" pattern as me :)

    Will be back.

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  23. My niece had a bird that sounds much like your hampster. She didn't like it and she tried to find it another good home. So one day her mother heard her praying that they could find a better place for the bird. The next day the bird died. Her prayer was answered, it found a better place.

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  24. haha I love this post. It is how I feel about our birds. Luckily my husband has put them in cage they can fly out of and even luckier, there is no screen on our sliding glass door. Now and then the "kids" will leave the door open and mysterious a bird will disappear.

    okay don't let anyone call the animal protection services or whatever. All three times it really was an accident. Plus we always end up getting new birds, so it really isn't solving my problems.

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  25. Too funny. Great writing.

    Thanks,
    Christina
    http://christina-thinkingoutloud.blogspot.com/

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  26. I don't know who you are, but I'm an animal freak, and how would you like it if you were kept in a cage and blamed because you didn't do 'tricks'? I know you're not being serious, but it's just unfair that even as a joke, you say that your hamster should act as an entertaining toy to you. It has a life too, and to be kept in a cage is bad enough. How'd you like being a hamster?

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