Monday, September 22, 2008

I Am A Child of Blog: Parental Advice Part III

Why do I give parental advice? Am I some kind of certified expert? No. But I do have this blog and a Master's degree in Rhetoric so. . . here's some more unsolicited advice.

Teach your kids not to urinate outside but if other people's kids do it, don't judge them too harshly.

You never have to go to Chuck E. Cheese. Ever. I wish someone would have told me that 11 years ago.

Threatening to beat your kids to a bloody pulp will not do any long-term damage. I don't want to get into how I know this. I just know.

Do not allow the word "weenis" in your home.

If you take your child to their kindergarten assessment and they act a little bit autistic (even if they aren't), don't sweat it. Think of the improvement they will make by the end of the year.

Think twice about preschool for 3-year-olds. Even though they liked it, none of my kids have needed it or benefited from it.

If they are up, just bite the bullet and be up. I have wasted hours trying to get kids down for naps and trying to extend early morning snoozes. It's not worth it. If you are sick, pregnant, have a newborn, or it's the middle of the night, ignore this advice.

Try to do chores while kids are awake. Using up nap time to do dishes is nothing less than soul-crushing.

Get used to zerrisenheit. It means fragmented and its the new normal. At least you can feel fancy because it's German.

Remember, an over-scheduled child is one who is enrolled in more classes than yours.

If your child wants to pursue acting instead of college, take comfort that a lot of universities end up giving honorary degrees to actors.

Choose your child's orthodontist carefully. I have one who is so nice and so friendly that it makes me suspicious. (Maybe you should choose a less friendly one.) WHAT ARE YOU HIDING DR. T!

Making/letting your kids help you with the service you have/get to do because of your church calling can take the place of family vacations. We didn't take a lot of family vacations growing up but my little sister tagged along with my mom to youth conference for years and she turned out very well. (In fact, she has a blog and a Master's degree in Rhetoric.) Similarly, we didn't go skiing last year but my kids shoveled snow with their dad for the ward every Saturday all winter. Same thing, basically. And concerts count double.

Know this, Resolve Carpet Cleaner won't work.

35 comments:

  1. I think I'm holding out for the honorary too, that's the life plan so far.

    ReplyDelete
  2. The whole chores-during-naptime thing is just so wrong. I couldn't agree with you more on that one!

    Same for the "just get up" wisdom - although I'm constantly trying to disprove this theory, I totally know it's pointless.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I concur. Nap time is free time. And you don't want to spend free time doing chores. Because chores suck.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Fantastic list. Keep 'em coming.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so relieved I can tell my kids they get to shovel snow instead of going to Disneyland. (I learned if you wait long enough someone else will end up taking them to Disneyland and you won't have to.)

    ReplyDelete
  6. p.s. Have you tried Folex? I'm a big fan.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's all so true! I couldn't agree more with everything you said!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Fantastic advice. Wish someone had told me all this when I had little babies!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Dang! I've already made some mistakes and my two oldest are old enough that they remember things like how long it's been since we went to Chuck E. Cheese. Oh joy of joys they're building one closer to my house, so the distance excuse is about to go up in smoke.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Whew, I am so relieved about not ever having to go to Chucky Cheese! Every time we drive by one, my kids start asking when we're ever going to go there and now I can know, with authority, that I can tell them, "NEVER!"
    Having only girls, I think we'll not have to deal with the "weenis" word, but I'll store it away for future reference.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I used to try to read scriptures during nap time. That isn't the best, either.

    ReplyDelete
  12. So which of my kids was urinating outside again? Just kidding!

    Do they give honorary degrees to people who fish for a living? Because that's what Joey wants to do with his life.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I agree with the "just get up" when they're up. And the Resolve (I agree with you, 6 bottles worth). And everything else.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Nap time should be me time! Thank you for agreeing with me. But why do I feel guilty if I'm not cleaning. ARGH!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I hate Chuck E Cheese. Not really the mouse so much, but the establishment is horrifying.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I would say half of your tips apply to my life at this very moment- one for sure is using the word 'weenis', so thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Chuck E. Cheese is still open? Dude. That's so wrong. I say we storm the place with a black light and a camera, do parents the world over a huge favor.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I'm throwing all of those parenting books out. TODAY. All the parenting help I need is right here.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm just waiting for my kids to NOT be peeing in diapers. I'll totally take the outside thing - if it's an option...

    Also, weenis - that is the last time I think of this word.

    And Chuck E. Cheese, unghhghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhghghghhh.

    ReplyDelete
  20. as usual yr spot on! loved it! I am so in agreement with the wicked and scary chuck E cheese hell. xo

    ReplyDelete
  21. Preschool is not for 3 year olds - it's for Mom!

    (although my first 2 kids didn't do preschool at all and they are fine - and I'm fine too - I guess.)

    My mom, mother of 12, gives this advice to all mothers: "Never do anything when your kids are asleep that you can do when they are awake."

    Advice I have followed, I might add!!

    (I am one of the older kids - and I remember coming home from school to a somewhat untidy house - and my mom on the couch reading a book. I'm eternally grateful my mom taught me that lesson!)

    ReplyDelete
  22. I look foward to your advice posts, and I take notes. Lots and lots of notes.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I really needed that! Keep it coming!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Great list! The only one that I disagree with (it's only been three weeks so I don't know that much) is the preschool one.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Hate, dispise, loathe Chucky Cheese! Where were you 6 years ago?

    Chores during nap time, who does that? Silly lady!

    ReplyDelete
  26. "think of the improvement they will make by the end of the year", you are so dang funny!

    ReplyDelete
  27. No more chores during nap times. This will be my new mantra!

    Thanks for the laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  28. too funny!!!!!!! I love the let them act a bit autistic!!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. The only redeeming factor about Chuck E. Cheese's is that if you buy one of the cheesy sturdy plastic kids' cups you can have eternal free refills whenever you go. We collect these and pull them out on rainy, no good, very bad days and then tank up on the free sugary madness. I make sure to take a riveting book along and block out everything but my kids. It's a kind of very desperate therapy. Oh, and I totally agree about 3 yr. old preschool being for the moms, not the kiddos (Loving all your advice Grannybabs!). A short break from one another is truly a wonderful thing.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I always cringe a little when people say "I love nap time because I get SO much done!" I want to say, "Really? Are you sure?" Because that is absolutely the time of day when I get the least amount done. I work more than 9-5, don't I deserve a one (or two or three) hour lunch break like anyone else?

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hi Kacy,
    I just read a post of yours from March (I think) about the Secret Life of a Soccer Mom. I'm a not-so-stay-at-home-mom of four kids. I don't really work (in that I don't get paid), but I do really work in the sense that I'm a full time grad student. In English. And I'm just wondering this...when I finish this degree (PhD)...in say three years...can you either a) get me on the show or b) hook me up with someone because my dream job is teaching English at BYU? And yes, my husband will have to sell his business, and my little kiddies will be uprooted from Texas, but my dreams are important too. Right? Right? Anybody out there?

    ReplyDelete
  32. so where can I buy my t-shirt that says. .

    "Zerrisenheit, the new normal."

    ReplyDelete
  33. I told my kids that Casa Bonita (a Chucky Cheese place) had closed. Years later my daughter had a friend who got a job at Casa Bonita. My daughter argued that they closed ages ago. She came home amazed that Casa Bonita opened again. By then they were too old to want to go there. 1 point for me!
    Weenis is a favorite word of the Junior High set which they claim means the skin on your elbow. I never verified it. Why do those Junior High teachers love to teach them Weenis every year?

    ReplyDelete
  34. You are SO funny!

    ReplyDelete
  35. That's hilarious. Keep it coming!!

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...