Tuesday, February 08, 2011

What a Brad Womack Wants

Yes--even though I googled it and know who Brad chooses in the end--we are still watching the Bachelor. I think Christian puts it on just to spite me, which is fine. (Could be worse.) Today I will tell you how to win Brad's heart, assuming that you want to win it. Hahahahahah! Just kidding. That's not an assumption--it's a fact!

It goes without saying that you must be physically attractive with a good and tan body. Being a little cheap-looking (Chantal) is OK if you have big bosoms. You can't be self-conscious about swimming (well, sitting and sprawling in water--there's not much actual "swimming") in a bikini or making out with someone you don't know.  In addition, you have to be a good sport and up for adventures such as repelling and singing and dancing while suspended from a wire. If you don't make a good showing, you have put up walls (also known as "self respect"). If you have walls or if you threaten to put walls up, it makes Brad mad. You know when he gets mad because his steely jaw clenches and also he sends you home, but he might still kiss you so you can't go by that. And your horse can never be bigger than his. I guess he's insecure about that.

The other thing to remember when talking to Brad (but don't talk too much!) is that he hates drama. And being called on stuff or being challenged or having anyone point out obvious things like how he gets to date and kiss whomever he wants while the women hover together desperately in their tank tops and sleep in bunk beds. If you get worried or start to have doubts please, PLEASE remember to trust Brad. You have to trust that he is doing what is best for himself--that's his moral imperative. If he does get mad, just try to "relax" him.

You can't talk about how you feel unless you feel happy and in love with Brad but do not try small talk. Brad HATES small talk about embalming and different cities and the weather. He's in for deeper fare such as your willingness to be vulnerable for him. Don't be scared of your feelings for him or of bugs. Also, you need to be willing to expose your impressionable 5 year old to him or--there you go again with the walls! Don't try to ply him with an envelope of thoughtful messages--it won't work. Instead, try a short dress. Or, a little crazy.

Speaking of Michelle, I'm starting to think she's kind of funny. The trick for Michelle will be to see if she can somehow channel her power of breaking up marriages to actually create one. With Brad! Brad is there for you, ladies. Never forget that. (Where "there for you" means "willing to rub your bare legs when you cry.")

Next week on the Bachelor: Drama, being vulnerable, hot tubs, being there for the women, meaningful looks instead of meaningful conversation, tears, yoga pants, and tank tops. Tune in.

Viva la Bachelor.

20 comments:

  1. Oh happiness. I had thought that Michelle was the one "crazy" that the producers make the Bachelor keep around for ratings, but now I think Brad is just typical male and truly doesn't see it. Hotness trumps all on the Bachelor, right?

    I wonder if after taping they go home and watch all the behind the scenes stuff and have serious second thoughts about who they pick. I am so tempted to google the results right now!

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  2. This is so applicable to many situations. This guide would have saved me years of wall-building.

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  3. Spot-on hilarious. Loved it!

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  4. Fact is, Michelle is a working actress.

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  5. Wait, are you trying to tell me Michelle actually wins?

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  6. Man. Now you're making me wish I watched the show. Well, not really.

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  7. Oh my heck, Kacy! You are brilliant!!!! There are not enough exclamations to show how much I mean that. Freaking awesome.
    I feel validated.

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  8. Are you writing for the show? :)
    I think you should...your insights are so valuable!!!

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  9. Have you ever noticed how he says, "come to me" when he wants the girls to kiss him? It is really creepy

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  10. Que the loop, "I am a changed man."

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  11. Or how "I'm really trying to open up to the girls this season" is his excuse for making out with everyone.

    This was awesome.

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  12. Love this review. What a shame that we didn't know all these dating ins and outs back in the day when we were trying to catch our spouses.

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  13. Best review of the Bachelor ever.

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  14. I guess I have a lot of walls built up. I mean, I'm afraid of heights.

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  15. What man *can* handle a woman with a larger horse?

    Think about it.

    Or don't.

    Probably don't.

    (I've actually never seen The Bachelor. But I can tell Brad's a keeper.)

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  16. I really, really love that you said "repelling" instead of "rappelling."

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  17. Also, in college once have a guy say to me, "Why the closed life?" Part of me recognized this for the sleazy pick-up line that it was, but another part of me went home with my self-concept a little rattled.

    Also, I used to sometimes watch the show "Blind Date" and my dominant emotion while watching was usually profound gratitude to not be on the show. I remember one guy on that show who had narcolepsy that was apparently triggered by anxiety, and I sympathized enough that I wanted fall asleep just watching him yawn--anything to escape consciousness of the awkwardness.

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  18. Ugh, rewriting always leads to garble. That first sentence should say, "In college I once had a guy say to me . . ."

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  19. Regarding your last post, "Arthur" features aardvarks that look nothing like aardvarks and are friends with rabbits and other animals, AND Arthur has a little pet dog that doesn't talk.

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