Tuesday, March 01, 2011

He Needs His Fantasy and Freedom--I Know the Bachelor So Well


This week's Bachelor left me asking some big questions like where did Brad come from? What is his purpose? Is this show real? Am I real? Does a tree house with a bed and NO BATHROOM really qualify as a fantasy suite?

First of all, Chantal was seriously "surprised" to be going on a safari in Africa. I guess she just put on her safari shirt ironically that day? Brad likes enthusiasm, big bosoms, and a lack of dignity (in that order). Chantal has all of this in spades. He's going to choose her. And yes I Googled it weeks ago but the more you know Brad and the more familiar you become with his interest in easy women, people who make him feel "comfortable," and people with no life or interests the more you realize that Chantal is the only acceptable woman in the batch. But who knows what will happen.

Have you ever watched the show Lie to Me? I've learned a lot about reading faces from that show. Remember when Emily asked Brad if he was ready for a 5 year old and he said yes? Well, that was a lie. But good for Emily for taking a moral stand against the fantasy suite because she's a mother and an example to her little girl. Oh wait. She didn't do that. Instead she took a page from Chantal's book (there are hardly any words in it) and told Brad she is falling in love with him and kissed him. Well, she was almost a good example to her little girl! You guys, it's hard to be a role model. Just ask Snooki, Miley Cyrus, and Tupac Shakur.

I guess it's worth it to compromise your values because if you do maybe Brad will choose you and you'll become his wife and when your kids do the math and figure out that they were conceived in the fantasy suite they won't call you a hypocrite when you try to teach them not to be promiscuous and you'll be really proud of yourself because you won a reality show. Like I say, I've never watched the show before but I'm guessing that's how it turns out for people.

Emily is beautiful and [relatively] classy. I hate to see her doing this. At least her dream of riding an elephant came true. Personally, I don't care if I ever ride an elephant at all. My dream was to have a substantive conversation with a guy before I married him. But some people [apparently] don't care about that at all. Everyone is different. That's what makes life wonderful and surprising, like an African safari!

And finally, Ashley. Whew! That was awkward, wasn't it? It's like when you realize you've been on a ridiculous and unrealistic reality show for a month and suddenly you notice you don't like or even know the guy you are hoping will propose to you in the finale. "Maybe there's more to a relationship than a really fun carnival date."  Hmmmmm. Brad might be onto something there. But I don't know. Look at Siegfried and Roy. They have abiding love and their relationship is based on the circus.

But then there's Ashley's pesky obsession with dentistry. How serious is she about that hobby anyway? Brad wants to know. As it turns out, pretty serious. WRONG ANSWER. You see, Ashley was relying on sparks and chemistry to get her to the end of the game. She didn't know she was supposed to forsake all personal ambition and assure him of her desire to move to Austin and become, presumably? barefoot and pregnant. Looking back she could have played it differently. Won a few more moments, who can tell? But it took time to understand the Brad. Now at least she knows she knows him well.

My hat goes off to Ashley for being the only one to draw attention to the sexist mechanism at play on ABC's The Bachelor several weeks ago when Brad drawled, "Isn't that a good thing?" referring to her feelings for him and she said, "Yeah--for you." Of course it made him really mad and cost her a husband in the end but sister spoke the truth. And refusing to "beg" after Brad gave her the boot? Unprecedented! (I think we can all picture Chantal in the same situation begging on her hands and knees. That's the way to his heart, I guess.) I have to say--after hopping on Brad's lap in front of her parents--I didn't know Ashley had it in her.

And they say Mormons oppress women.


  1. Freakin' awesome.

  2. First off, Chess, Kacy? I'm impressed!

  3. Also, last night was, by far, the least trashy fantasy suite night episode ever in the history of the show. And I really believe that Emily didn't sleep with him. I'm glad she said what she said, to clarify for everyone. I hate it when they make their intentions vague.

  4. What?! You've never ridden an elephant?! I sware they used to do that at Hogle Zoo (when the elephants were behind in the building right across from the snack area - you know that spot that's right next to the butterfly/komodo dragon exhibit? I've got a polaroid picture of me & brother on the back of an elephant. I swear that's where it happened.

  5. I feel like Brad just played the oldest game in the book. Sabotage. He knew he had to drop one girl, he had probably meant it to be Chantal until they (presumably) slept together, so he had to make it Ashley instead. How to do it so he doesn't feel like a jerk? Turn it on her. Sabotage any possible romance by asking her loaded questions and putting her on the defensive. Utter manipulation if you ask me.

    P.S. I know everyone loves Emily, but does anyone see any real connection between the two? As much as I'd like her to "win" I just don't think they make a natural couple.

  6. Yes! I totally agree that his fight with Ashley came out of weirdness from sleeping with Chantal. And no, I don't think he has anything in common with Emily. I also believe Emily didn't sleep with him.

  7. Kacy I don't want the bachelor to end just because I will miss your awesome reviews. Will you promise to watch the next 20 seasons so that i can get my weekly laugh at how sad this world has become? I know this may compromise your values...but seriously will you? By the way I think Emily is WAY to classy for him, i pray he doesn't pick her.

  8. Kacy - You had me at Fantasy and Freedom. Wasn't it good? I don't even watch the bachelor, but I love your recaps so, so much. Are there other reality shows you may want to start recapping? ANTM cries out for recaps! Top Chef - you have to love the Blaise/Fabbio romance (Let's not even call it a bromance - it is straight up love and affection.)

    It could be a whole new chapter in your blog. Think about it.

  9. I, too, look forward to your "Bachelor" reviews. I saw it was on the other night and made a mental note to check your blog, because I'm too lazy to make a physical note.

  10. Anonymous6:47 PM

    I'm not sure what spoiler you read, but you should read it again... see if they are still predicting the same outcome.

  11. Can we please find some other trashy reality show for you to review after this one ends. I've loved your take on it!


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  13. They say that about Mormons?

    And I'm with Hailey. I think Emily was pretty clear that she wanted QT with Brad but it would be the "talking" variety, not the "nookie" variety. Or so I really, really want to believe.

  14. A Chess reference! Did NOT see that coming.

  15. I really hope the updated spoilers are right! Emily is the only one he respects. If he chooses her he'll earn some of my respect. We'll see.

  16. I couldn't get over (still can't) the fantasy treehouse and LACK OF BATHROOM! Maybe it's just because I've ruined my body by being pregnant half a dozen times, but if Topher and I were offered a fantasy treehouse, we'd go HOME! How is that fun? How is that a good idea (so many reasons. . . )

    Also, awkward conversations with Brad are becoming more and more frequent as the "newness" of these relationships wears off. He is boring.

    And I agree with Josh. You should have a tab on your blog devoted to tv recaps. It's your gift.

  17. You are good.
    Maybe even great at seeing thru all the junk and getting to the real reality.
    Man they could use you on the show talking down all the women and setting them straight. You could save some lives. Kidding. They would never listen to you.
    Desperation reigns supreme.
    Perhaps as Brads new 'therapist?'
    You work well as mine.

  18. I am impressed with the Chess reference AND the Chest reference.

  19. Whoa! Sorry to comment twice, but I just read the updated spoilers. This now all makes a lot of sense after hearing him tell Emily he loved her on Monday's show. At the time I just thought he was being extra horrible.

    And maybe the crazy outdoor tree-house was his intentional way of making sure Chantal didn't get HER way (ahem). She all but said she was going to sleep with him before the night, yet as Hailey pointed out- this was the least trashy fantasy suite night episode ever. No good footage huh?

    It now seems very possible that he asked for the producers to make sure that Chantal got the open air plank to avoid any hanky panky. There is no way they could have had decent privacy out there, then again, since when did decency have anything to do with the Bachelor. For Emily's sake I hope he was a gentleman.

  20. Anonymous11:12 AM

    I loved Lie to Me, although it stood to reason that it had to be canceled once they had Eckman's fictional counterpart hopping into bed with anywhomsoever. (Although that hasn't seemed to hurt The Bachelor.) I also liked reading Eckman's blog on Fox's show pagem and my favorite entry was after a particularly stupid episode when he said something like, "I have no comments on the science in this episode because the episode contained no science at all."

    I thought I had something else to say, too, but it turns out I don't.

  21. Anonymous11:13 AM

    show page, not show pagem

  22. I love you so, so much. If you were the Bachelor, I'd throw all of my enthusiasm, bosoms and lack of dignity your way.

  23. Reading your summary of The Bachelor is way better than watching the show!


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