Saturday, July 09, 2011

Transformers 3 is Like a Rock Ballad

Let's get a couple of things straight--I'm not a movie critic and I don't claim to have good taste.

Now, hear what I'm saying: I thought Transformers 3 was kind of rad. I've never seen a Transformer movie before. The first and second Transformer movies looked dumb and slightly pornographic to me so I never watched them. The toys seem fun. I like the idea of transformers. I certainly have nothing against autobots. (Decepticons though--that's another story!)

The Dark Side of the Moon had a pretty awesome trailer, I thought. And the reviews! "Not as ridiculous as the first two." Intriguing, no? Anyway, it was date night and one thing led to another--yada yada yada: We saw Transformers 3 tonight. I can't speak for Christian because he fell asleep during the movie but I enjoyed myself. I liked it way more than Avatar. If you're going to use amazing 3-D special effects let them be for metal coils and gears instead of moist, velvety plug-ins from human-like creatures to animal-like creatures. I just remembered how seriously gross Avatar was.

I don't know much about Michael Bay. But tonight I realized that he has made four promises to himself that he will never break. Here they are:

1. Never film a woman in flats. Heels or nothing.
2. If you use historic footage at the beginning of your movie immediately counter it with a tan woman with no pants.
3. Slow-motion is like italics and should be used without restraint whenever you need to emphasize something.
4. Some people save orchestral crescendos and operatic overtures for one climactic scene at the end of their movie but you can also use them constantly throughout the whole movie. (Promise yourself to do this.)

I found the Transformers themselves oddly compelling--more compelling than the cars in Cars 2, at least. I kind of think they are cool. What does that make me? Immature? Dumb? I dunno. I'm just telling you the truth. Transformers 3 is exactly like a rock ballad. Rock ballads aren't necessarily smart or good but they sure are fun to listen to and not as easy-to-write as you might think. I love rock ballads. Here are four particularly life-changing ones:

Home Sweet Home by Motley Crue
Angel by Aerosmith
Is This Love by White Snake
Silent Lucidity by Queensryche

What can I say? I didn't even mind the spazzy, screamy Shia Labeouf. In fact, he kind of won me over even though I think he's a schmuck in real life. I'm not saying this movie is good and not corny or even that you should go see it. I'm just saying that I liked watching it. I also support the troops and love freedom, which Optimus Prime would think is really great. If there is one thing--no, two things--Optimus Prime cares passionately about it's troops and freedom. He's like Sarah Palin that way. And me.


  1. There is no possible way I could love you more than I do right now.

  2. I like that you considered what makes Michael Bay tick. You are a careful, deep viewer and this "Lists of Promises to Myself " is a great way to review movies. I'm not kidding.

    I think it's time to put some rock ballads on my everyday mix. That's not what I expected for my Saturday morning, but I find myself here.

  3. I actually can't talk my husband into this one. I was like, "There's going to be a hot girl, even!" and he was like, "Still no." And that's why I love him. Also, he makes me an omelet every morning. That, too.

  4. If Transformers 3 is "more compelling than Cars 2" then I'm sold. That show was the lamest "environmentally cloaked" sequel ever made. However, I do get a little queasy seeing women with large breasts squeezed into 2T shirts every 10 seconds so, maybe I'm out. Who knows, I haven't seen a "grown up" movie in the theatre since 2008. What I'm trying to say is, I am relying on your good taste to make this critical decision. No pressure.....

  5. I can't believe you didn't pick "Here we go again" by Whitesnake instead (with Tawny Kitaen writing on the top of the car). That song is excellent.

  6. Silent Lucidity still makes it onto my mix tapes every so often. Good stuff that.

    As for slo-mo, can he rival John Woo?

  7. So if you liked T3 is it OK that I liked Fast Five?

  8. I haven't seen any of the Transformers movies. I have seen the error in my ways. Bless you.


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