Yesterday some guy called me a dumba$$ in the parking lot at Smiths. I was there with my son. We were buying graham crackers and marshmallows for s'mores. I had just gotten into my car to pull out of my parking place (not handicapped) and this guy in a really big extended truck pulled into the parking place next to me (handicapped) and honked. I'm telling you that his truck was big so you'll know that he couldn't have been mad at me for driving an SUV while he was in a Prius or something. I don't even drive a huge SUV. (It's medium.) I couldn't tell what he was mad about. Our eyes met while I was backing out. He waved his hands at me like "Get out of here!" and then he called me a "dumba$$." I just backed out and drove away. I looked in my rear view mirror and he was flipping me off for a really long time. Like, a really long time.
I wondered all the way home what made him so mad. My best guess is that I was just getting into the car when he was pulling in and maybe my door was blocking some of his space. I don't feel defensive. I take no pride in my driving or parking skills. But, it really is true that I hadn't done anything wrong. It didn't make me mad when this guy called me a dumba$$. It made me sad. It hurt my feelings. I got tears in my eyes and when I got home I needed to self-sooth by laying on my bed wrapped in covers. I don't know why. I didn't feel fear. I just felt sad that someone could get that mad so fast. And I wasn't even sad that he hates me. I assume a lot of people hate me and I think they are right to hate me. I don't want to talk to him and ask him what's wrong or why he got so mad. I'm not interested in mending things, explaining, or winning him over. I assume he's on edge for some reason. I can't say I really "bless" him. (I don't live many of the higher laws yet.)
Once I was in a parking lot with my boyfriend in high school. There was a parking-lot skirmish and pretty soon he and some other guy were screaming obscenities at each other. It was horrible and I hated it. I knew then--and it was sad because I was naive--that I wouldn't marry him. Not because he screamed and swore, although that was part of it--more because I guess (when I think of it now) I expected his love for me to act like a balm against crazy, irrational, yelling. How could he behave like that with me right there? My presence didn't temper him. It was actually quite disappointing.
I've never even seen a fist fight in real life. I might suffer irreparable emotional damage if I did. I guess I'm pretty sensitive. I probably needed to be swaddled a lot as a baby.