Wednesday, December 03, 2008

I Hate Movie Stars Who are Completely Out of Touch But Don't Know It

I saw a little bit of America's good old boy, Brad Pitt, on Oprah with the lovely, talented, awesome in all ways except personality, Cate Blanchett. These two clowns are in a movie together where Brad Pitt ages backwards. It does look good. But that's beside the point. Here's the point: A fan asked what they would want to eat for their last meal (i.e., "What's your favorite food?") They were completely stymied. They gave each other sidelong glances, "What do we say? What do we say?" It was completely weird, and then Cate Blanchett said "rice." Rice? Oprah was like, dude, rice? (Thinking to herself, "With gravy, right?")

This alone tells me I could never hang out with Cate Blanchett. Again, she's totally lovely and talented. You know I'm ALL ABOUT Galadriel. She's supposedly this creative person and yet all she could come up with was rice? Could you not abandon your macrobiotic lifestyle at your last meal and have a steak? Or a cookie? Here are some things she could have chosen that I don't necessarily want to eat at my last meal but that would have been more interesting than rice: almonds, lemon gelato, wan tons, french fries, spaghetti, Eskimo pie, tacos, chocolate-covered raisins, chicken pot pie, chili, Indian food, which is what Brad Pitt said. Whatever.

Moving on, have you seen my regular girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow's website, GOOP? Yeah, it's called goop. Probably because she's so earthy and just loves normal kinds of gross things, such as goop--just like all of us normal people who love goop! Oh Gwyneth. Here are some things you need to know. (Mind you, Gwyneth, none of these things make me happy. I hate to even type them. Most people, except you, understand these things intuitively. But they are true and I wish you understood them so your site wouldn't be completely useless and unrelateable to me.)

First of all, I'm a lot fatter than you. Isn't that obvious? Why do I have to tell you this? Please stop talking about the legging jeans that you wore on Oprah. They aren't a viable option for me. Also, I am much less pretty and a lot poorer. Nothing you suggest has anything to do with real life. I'm happy to peer into your glamorous life--it's interesting! But you are giving me times and dates and prices and details like I care. To which I reply, spare me. You say that you wore sweat pants after you had your babies but I don't believe you. I really don't. I think you mean well when you tell me to give up white food in order to sleep better, but that's just not going to happen. Some of my favorite foods are white--some of Cate Blanchett's favorite foods are white. I like milk and eggs and cream cheese frosting. And, Gwyneth, here's the thing--I don't have trouble sleeping. Remember? Fatter. Poorer. Uglier. Tireder.

33 comments:

  1. Kacy, I love you. I can't even begin to tell you which phrases I most relished in this post.

    If I had to choose a last meal I would select this post. It was utterly and completely delicious!

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  2. I saw that Oprah too and was outraged by the rice comment. Also, did you hear when they let that guy skype (which I hate) and ask Cate what he should do to get/look for in an awesome woman like her and she said the thing about how you should be able to spoon well together!?! I talked about this interview for days.

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  3. This made me laugh so hard. This is me nodding in agreement to all you said here. My fav. part is your clown comment.

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  4. Maybe when Cate said "rice" she was really thinking about gorging herself on various kinds of Rice a Roni - just pans full of rice. At least thinking that makes her a little more interesting to me. Silly celebrities.

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  5. This is so classic Kacy. My favorite post ever.

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  6. AMEN and HAHAHA! I read Goop for the first time the other day and it made me vomit a little bit of goop in my mouth. Someone seriously need to whack these celebrities over the head with a reality stick.

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  7. Rice? Oh lands.
    What about Cheetos, Cate? What about CHEETOS?
    Or better yet, those generic cheese balls. Those are good eatin'.

    (P.S. My verification word is "adzomar." If I were an alien, that would be my name.)

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  8. For my last meal, I would like to be able to serve myself from a table that includes the following things:

    Johnny's pizza
    Shipley's or Daylight donuts
    Orange chicken (from Panda Express, and I'm not kidding)
    Po-boy from Parasol's in New Orleans' Irish Channel
    Waffle House waffle
    Popeye's chicken
    My g-ma's eggs benedict
    Hushpuppies
    BACON

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  9. I want for her to look at the stats on her site and find your link and read this and comment. That would be rad. I am about 40% sure that Jessica Biel did that after my brother-in-law blogged about a movie she was involved with. They said mean things to each other, it was great. Remember The Jolly Porter's call for celebrities to comment? A bunch of them delurked to say hi.

    (But really the 40% sure thing is true. With a made up percentage.)

    Love you, Gwyneth!

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  10. I will say that although I love food, I have a problem thinking of just one particular thing off the top of my head.

    Maybe different kinds of cheese; this chocolate chip birthday cake my mom makes; super veggie pizza from The Pie; pomegranates; sushi; clementines; I do really like Indian food, especially a good chicken tikki masala; okay I can come up with some stuff rather quickly.

    But rice hurts my feelings.

    I think a lot of celebrities (the Goopster herself is a prime example) feel that it is their duty to be "good" examples. And since their morality standards are often questionable, they are able to be "good" examples by promoting borderline anorexia and excessive exercise with Madonna.

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  11. P.S. Brad Pitt was on Ellen yesterday acting as smug as ever and he still had that ridiculous mustache!

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  12. Do you think Gwyneth realizes that there are people out there who try to eat nothing but white food? (Me.) I sleep beautifully, but that's what happens when you have to do stuff like clean your own toilets and feed eight people three times a day,
    Plus I haven't been sick in years. Not even a cold.

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  13. I pity anyone who doesn't know the joy of food. RICE?!

    I wonder if Gwynneth named her site after her initials and then had to add a couple of unfortunately vowels to make it work.

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  14. Well done. I really enjoy your posts. Keep it real, sister!

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  15. I love this post, so funny. Celebrities could definitely use a little dose of reality.

    Here's to wishful thinking....

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  16. "These two clowns..."

    LOVE IT. Thank you.

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  17. You are a hoot! Thanks for the giggle.

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  18. One of the best things I've read in a while. Thank you for the laugh! You just made my day.

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  19. I wonder if when she said "rice," she really meant "bacon." Maybe it's a secret celebrity code or something I'm too fat, poor, and TIRED to try and decode.

    "GLOOP" is exactly how I feel about G.P.

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  20. It's been awhile since I've had a chance to read you--and am so glad I got to come back!

    AGREED on the Oprah fiasco. I was DYING when Cate sat there for soooooo long and then the best thing she could come up with was the blandest thing in the universe that you can get at concentration camps without special privileges. Ridiculous.

    And I saw Gwyneth on Oprah talking about her food trek across Spain and how she just loves to eat...but how she has very particular things that she just WILL NOT eat or even touch. Like anything with "big eyes." Ok. Get all vegetarian. That's fine. But you can still be an adult and not shrink back with juvenile revulsion when your co-cook asks you to help them move the pork as part of his demo. It can't get in through osmosis. Assist your pal with his cooking gig and move on.

    And speaking of her not sharing tips for those of us in the real world, did you see how her "favorite thing" was this crazy Gaggenau steamer that poached salmon to perfection? She did admit that it was "a little pricey"--note: in Gwynny terms that means EIGHTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. I decided then that Gwyneth and I just did not see eye to eye. I will only spend cash like that on things that are classy and long lasting: like a much-needed boob lift. It would be like giving to charity--everyone wins.

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  21. I am still confused about the white food thing. Does that mean she doesn't eat food that is the color white or food that whit epople eat? I am also confused by poeple who only eat raw food. I like my food cooked. Strange I know. I like cooked food and marshmallows.

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  22. I thnk Brad is nothing but a pretty face who should model and do charity work. That's it.

    I would eat flaming hot spicy beyond belief Thai food!

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  23. I'm sure Cate was referring to wheat rice.

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  24. Sometimes super talented people are the very people that, if you were to hang out with them and try to watch a funny movie like Undercover Brother, they would be totally lame and boring. That's why I have always shied away from being super talented. Keeping that light under a bushel, baby!

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  25. This post reminds me it's been a while since I had cream cheese frosting...I might even sit down with a spoon and eat right out of the carton. yummy!!

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  26. The thing you've gotta remember is that prior to the event most celebs receive a list of questions that will be asked. They are given time to prepare their answers or reject the question.

    If Oprah just opened this up to the audience, poor Cate would have had to come up with an answer all on her own without the help of her PR folks - hence the blank look.

    If you glom onto a celeb who's making the talk show circuit this will be painfully obvious. They respond almost identically regardless of the interviewer.

    Check out Owen Wilson - he gives the same adorable "me & my brother Luke" responses regardless of what movie he's in.

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  27. You have to understand that when an actor doesn't have a script, they tend to appear rather dumb---so I am very forgiving when hearing anything that Cate said.

    She is a BRILLIANT actor---enuff said.

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  28. The day I read this I couldn't sleep and happened upon her on the tonight show. She said the only reason to eat food is so you can eat the condiments. Huh? Carly would be disgusted...as am I. She also said something about putting ketchup on noodles. Obviously her perception of food is pretty bad to start with. At least she didn't say a big bowl of mayo.

    I love this post. Perfect.

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  33. Hi, just wanted to say that I am just your average hard working person (not rich by any means. I have a friend who is a macrobiotic cook, and I my self ate strictly this way for four years. I felt great, lost weight. Gave up the diet during a stressful divorce, but plan on going back. When I was on the diet I lost ALL appetite for any junk food. Simply was not desirable to me. I know the diet is not for everyone, but if you have not tried it for an extensive period, you would not relate to her comment. Just another perspective.

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