I saw a little bit of America's good old boy, Brad Pitt, on Oprah with the lovely, talented, awesome in all ways except personality, Cate Blanchett. These two clowns are in a movie together where Brad Pitt ages backwards. It does look good. But that's beside the point. Here's the point: A fan asked what they would want to eat for their last meal (i.e., "What's your favorite food?") They were completely stymied. They gave each other sidelong glances, "What do we say? What do we say?" It was completely weird, and then Cate Blanchett said "rice." Rice? Oprah was like, dude, rice? (Thinking to herself, "With gravy, right?")
This alone tells me I could never hang out with Cate Blanchett. Again, she's totally lovely and talented. You know I'm ALL ABOUT Galadriel. She's supposedly this creative person and yet all she could come up with was rice? Could you not abandon your macrobiotic lifestyle at your last meal and have a steak? Or a cookie? Here are some things she could have chosen that I don't necessarily want to eat at my last meal but that would have been more interesting than rice: almonds, lemon gelato, wan tons, french fries, spaghetti, Eskimo pie, tacos, chocolate-covered raisins, chicken pot pie, chili, Indian food, which is what Brad Pitt said. Whatever.
Moving on, have you seen my regular girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow's website, GOOP? Yeah, it's called goop. Probably because she's so earthy and just loves normal kinds of gross things, such as goop--just like all of us normal people who love goop! Oh Gwyneth. Here are some things you need to know. (Mind you, Gwyneth, none of these things make me happy. I hate to even type them. Most people, except you, understand these things intuitively. But they are true and I wish you understood them so your site wouldn't be completely useless and unrelateable to me.)
First of all, I'm a lot fatter than you. Isn't that obvious? Why do I have to tell you this? Please stop talking about the legging jeans that you wore on Oprah. They aren't a viable option for me. Also, I am much less pretty and a lot poorer. Nothing you suggest has anything to do with real life. I'm happy to peer into your glamorous life--it's interesting! But you are giving me times and dates and prices and details like I care. To which I reply, spare me. You say that you wore sweat pants after you had your babies but I don't believe you. I really don't. I think you mean well when you tell me to give up white food in order to sleep better, but that's just not going to happen. Some of my favorite foods are white--some of Cate Blanchett's favorite foods are white. I like milk and eggs and cream cheese frosting. And, Gwyneth, here's the thing--I don't have trouble sleeping. Remember? Fatter. Poorer. Uglier. Tireder.