Thursday, April 16, 2009

I Don't Know About You

I don't know about you, but I bought an awesome coat a few months ago at an "end of season" sale and I am totally stoked that I don't have to wait until next year to wear it.

I don't know about you but when I was a kid I thought 32oz drinks looked huge. They were short and fat. Now I feel deprived if I don't get 44. 32 ounces looks downright slender to me now. Slender like a tall cool drink of water where I substitute Diet Coke for water.

I don't know about you but I can't really watch American Idol. It's too sad. Will there come a lucid day when Paula Abdul or her posterity will watch footage from that show and not cringe? I can't take it. I'm sorry. Generally I like to be really into stuff like that because it gives me something to talk about with people I don't know very well. As a result of this, I have nothing to say.

I don't know about you but today my son asked me if you could skip water across a rock. I don't know.

I don't know about you but I STILL love blogging. Even though it's a little past it's prime what with the Facebook and the Twitter. It's like Twitter is high protein and Facebook is low-carb and I'm still over here blogging and eating potatoes because I thought any vegetable was good for you.

I don't know about you but I will never use the phrase "tickler file." Because what's in the file?

I don't know about you but I have vivid memories of the ground from when I was a kid. Asphalt, cracks in sidewalk, the look of carpet close up, crevices in linoleum. I looked down a lot.

I don't know about you but I love to take codeine.

I don't know about you, but I like to wear black Converse shoes. But I have to be careful because with some outfits and in some situations they make me look like a lesbian which I guess I don't mind. But I don't think they like it. It's kind of like how fat women get mad when pregnant women shop at Lane Bryant.

I don't know about you but when I was a kid I used to fantasize about being martyred.

I don't know about you but I think making dinner is for suckers.

I don't know about you but when people refer to me as a "lady" I know they mean "old." I know because that's what I call old women.

I don't know about you but I just don't think surprise parties are worth the emotional damage which inevitably precedes them .

I don't know about you but I hate getting up in the morning.

I don't know about you but one thing I've learned from having kids is the term "basically dry."

I don't know about you but I think flair is funny.

I don't know about you but I never refer to getting together with my adult friends as "playing." This would suggest a sense of whimsy that I do not possess.

I don't know about you but I think this post is just a little too long.


  1. Simon (the British guy on American Idol, FYI) uses the words over and indulgent together quite frequently...that's what Twitter is: overindulgent. Yet, I Tweet.

    (googling tickler file)

    I like this post and I think you are flairingly funny.

  2. I've seen Tina Fey in black converse. And I don't know about you, but I think anything Tina Fey do is COOL!

  3. no, no, not to long. just the perfect amount of laugh-out-loud alone funny!

  4. i love flair, too.
    You have some kind of aversion to updating your FB status, right? Seems like you only do it every now and year.

  5. I don't know about you, but I think my word verification to leave a comment here is awesome:

    It's like a mob of Stacies with lots of opinions about how we should live our lives.

    Love this post.

  6. everyone on Am. Idol is so icky. Like, I wouldn't want to be in the same room with any of them - contestants or judges. Unless, like you, I had the power to melt Paula like the wicked witch of the West just by looking her way.
    You have cool powers.

  7. I just embarassed myself laughing at this...especially the lesbians and converse and pregger shopping at Lane Bryant.

    And just so you know (about me) I also think that cooking dinner is for suckers. I often* refuse to do it.

    *Often = almost always.

  8. I don't know about you, but I love this post. I AM obsessed with AI, but make it tolerable by DVRing it and fast-forwarding Paula every time. :) I also watch Dancing with the Stars and fast-forward Samantha Harris. Maybe I have a problem with female hosts?

  9. I do know about me - and I love blogging still!

    But I don't like American Idol - or Lane Bryant.

    And I'm really not keen about Facebook or Twitter - too "abbreviated" for my taste.

    If you follow my drift.

  10. I agree that blogging is better. I facebook, but mostly to stare at people's pictures. I still remember when FB added high schools to their networks and I was annoyed when my little sister added me as a friend. Those were the days. (and I think it was literally only 2-3 years ago)

  11. I like blogging, American Idol (fast forward in hand), and this post.

  12. I don't know what your problem is with Paula. Just this past week she used the phrases "dare to dance in the path of greatness" and "fortune rewards the brave"--in one sentence! Quality TV!

    Just kiddin'. (Kiddin' about quality, not kiddin' that she actually did say those two fortune-cookie phrases in one sentence.) All of American Idol is cringe-worthy and yet this season, for the first time, I can't look away.

  13. I don't know about you, but I'm going to place this blog post in my tickler file, because I want to refer to it next time I want a good laugh. This is hilarious and you are great.

  14. This post isn't too long at all! I don't know about you, but I think reading a hilarious list like this is a great way to start the weekend.

  15. I think I just wet myself.

  16. I am 100% with you on several of these! Especially American Idol and surprise parties. They fill me with anxiety. My prozac helps - but a little codeine wouldn't hurt.

    I love how you say "the Twitter" like how grandmas say "the e-mail"

    And I didn't know that pregnant women shopped at Lane Bryant! Why didn't I think of that when I was pregnant. (that one was hilarious)

    This is by far the funniest post I've read all week.

  17. Are you trying to tell me to stop wearing my black converse low tops?

    (And there's a little bit of whimsey in you.)

  18. I think you're full of whimsy, so play away!

    I think I resemble Annie's comment...

  19. I like that phrase "I don't know about you..." It's a nice buffer when you need to state how you feel even if it's not a popular opinion. You're kind of apologizing in advance just in case your opinion doesn't coincide with theirs.

    I was skeptical about the Twitter for awhile. It's not as bad as Facebook, primarily because it's unpretentious. It's simple, to the point, doesn't make lots of empty promises, and doesn't have lots of window dressing on it. It can serve many purposes, even though it is often misused. As long as it's done in moderation and with a purpose, it's quite cathartic. But just don't eat ice cream for every meal or it will backfire.

    On the other hand, the Facebook is just a tad too sophomoric for my tastes. OK, so I'm underexaggerating... I kind of resent Facebook giving me social advice, telling me in what ways I need to interact with someone. Excuse me, Facebook, but I do have my own brain and I don't need you to hold me by the hand and give me the human relations paint-by-numbers set.

    Kacy, when you used to look at the ground, did you see lots of bugs? Did you get well acquainted with the ants? I would think they would have been rather ubiquitous in your life near the ground.

    I'm with you on not getting up in the morning. One of these days, I'm just going to revolt and conduct an in-bed protest against the morning gods.

    Many of you don't realize that American Idol is an experiment by aliens to see just how unsophisticated our civilization is. We're failing big time. I don't know about you, but I only watch AI if I have this nagging urge to wretch. Haven't had that in a while, so I avoid the show religiously.

  20. I don't know about you, but I just figured out that "AI" doesn't mean "artificial intelligence."

  21. Seems like you do know about me. That list made me laugh. Thanks.

  22. All I know about me is that I agree with you, especially about making dinner is for suckers. Can I quote you on that to my husband? He already knows I don't make dinner, but I don't think he appreciates why, though he has his suspicions. This post just proved him wrong.

  23. I'll agree with most of these...except the part about being called "lady."

  24. Great Post! Glad I found you!

  25. Clicked over from Whimsy---OMG LOVE.

  26. Also here from Whimsy, really late, and love this post.

    And as a fat lesbian who would wear Converse but does not shop at Lane Bryant, I give you and also pregnant ladies (see what I did there?) permission to do either. What you are not allowed to do is look like a lesbian and then flirt with us without revealing that you are, in fact, all about the men. Or, for the pregnant ladies, get mad when people think you're just fat.


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