Monday, November 14, 2011

Approaching 40: My Rules

Today my husband turns 40. I turn 40 next year. I would like to approach middle age with a modicum of dignity--just a modicum. So I can go into that good night real gentle-like.

I don't have it all together yet. I think I might get it together by the time I'm 50.  For now I just have a few rules to live by. If you are much younger than me you might want to start working on these things. If you already do them--good news! You can coast until you hit 40. And if you are older than me (how do you even know about blogs and how are you reading this right now?) please let me know where to focus my efforts over the next 10 years.

I have to make my bed every day. Devil-may-care at 29 becomes slovenly at 39.

I can't wear pants that are too short or too long. This is a hard one, but unkempt at 29 becomes scroungy at 39.

I go to bed at midnight unless I'm out partying, which I'm not. When you see 40 year-olds trolling around on the web at 2am you feel sorry for them, don't you?  I don't want your pity.

Know your binge: Some people are sweet and some people savory. I am savory, which means I eat as much potatoes and gravy on Thanksgiving as I want. If I'm too full for pie I don't feel sad. (No regrets.)

I have to use self-tanner all year. Hey, if you aren't rich or thin and your personality isn't great you can at least not have white legs. It's for the world I inhabit as much as it is for me.

I don't swear. By the time you hit 40 you have either fostered a salty sophistication or you haven't. I haven't and it's too late to start. Swear with creativity and verve or don't swear at all but you can not swear only when you get angry because WHAT KIND OF A PSYCHO ARE YOU? We aren't the Hulk, ladies.

I can't push out loud gas. I know, right? It was such a great gag for so long.

I can still wear Converse but they have to look new. This rule might be different for lesbians. I don't know.

I can't be in love with Edward Cullen. I'm not, but if I were I'd squelch it. People should squelch more, generally.

I can't eat suckers. I can still live a full life and have fun--I'm just not going to eat suckers. Eating a sucker after age 40 makes some kind of weird statement that I'm not interested in making.

There you have it.


  1. Happy Birthday to your husband! Thanks for posting, I needed a big laugh this morning. I'm in the 30's now and don't have a clue what to do. Methinks I need to make some rules.

  2. Rebecca11:31 AM

    Happy happy birthday, Christian. Must be nice to have an entire blog dedicated to how your wife is a year younger than you :). xo

  3. I definitely need to work on the not swearing when I am mad thing. I mean, when I was 23 it could be chalked up to a "bombshell tantrum" ala Brigitte Bardot, but now that I am 33 it's just ugly. Thanks for the good rules!

  4. I'm 43 and I still eat suckers, but only when I'm alone and only if it is a rootbeer sucker. Those are my standards!

  5. Love this. I'll be 40 in 3 years and I think I have most of these covered except for the swearing. Does it count if you always do it in your head?

  6. Well, sh**! I'm older than you (and Christian) and I don't have many of these down. I guess I'm not growing old with any modicum of anything.
    I will say that I have never, ever, ever had a crush on Edward Cullen.
    And to Christian, I say "Welcome! it's good to have you as a member of the club!"

  7. 18 months til 40 for me. And I have decided I can't wear large hair accessories. I look ridiculous. My first rule.

    Also, I haven't picked sweet or salty yet, and it is causing some problems with my pant size, but suckers? who needs em?

  8. Where to focus your efforts over the next 10 years? Somewhere in the late 40s, all bets are off and you won't care about focus, synergy, or any other power bar words any more. You'll just start doing things because you want to, and you don't need a reason. You enter the dreaded training stage for crotchety senior citizenship, but which you now welcome with bated breath as an overdue respite. And you realize that 40 was basically the same as 30, and 30 is young.

  9. Thank heaven for these rules. I just turned 31, but I think I will start following most of these-except for the new looking Converse. I have a pair that are 9 years old, and I still wear and love them :)

  10. My husband will be 40 in a few months, and I'm not far behind. I agree, it takes so much more effort to achieve the same (or even lesser) results.

    But I'll eat suckers until I die.

  11. I'm taking notes, Kacy. I did eat some suckers the other night, because they were the only sugar left in my house and I was desperate. I like the butterscotch and root beer ones. Is that sophisticated at all?

  12. Funniest post ever. My sister sent me over here to check it out. I'm so with you on knowing your binge and the self tanner. The world doesn't need to see my glowing white fat is much better.

  13. I'm over forty, know about blogs, eat an occasional tootsie pop (but only so I can get to the center and only chocolate ones) and enjoyed your rules.

    Time flies when you're having fun. We'll all be old or dead before we know it!

  14. Thanks for the tips, Kacy. They are timely. I was just thinking about the self-tanner and the bedtime thing, and now you've answered my questions. BRILLIANT! The pant-length-thing is reeeeally tricky.

  15. I mean, for reals. I feel sad that you have to tell the general public these things, but it's for their own good, so thanks for your service. Under no circumstance is it okay for an over 16 year old woman (girl) to be in love with Taylor Lautner. The End. Now I"m going to go clean my converse. . .

  16. Anonymous8:16 PM

    How do you get so much reading done if you go to bed at midnight?

    I dated a guy whose mom went to bed at 10 PM every night no matter what. It was kind of lonely for him that she was never around to talk to when he got home from his dates.

    I recently rediscovered the sucker molds I bought years ago and put them to use. I'll be thinking of you as I suck on a cinnamon or rootbeer or toffee lollipop at 2 AM, reading. (But my bed will be made. So there's that.)

  17. how do you go to bed at midnight? 10 is my max. but then, we have early morning seminary. and it is earrrllllyyyy.

    happy birthday to Christian!

  18. I laughed out loud at this one.

    You are my kind of girl. (woman?).

    I am sad that I have to give up suckers. I sure do like 'um.

  19. I'm way over 40 - even way over 50 - and I read and write blogs all the time. Is there a rule about blogs or something? Do you think relative youth has a monopoly on blogdom?

    I might be offended.

    Or not.

  20. Anonymous11:10 AM

    Hmmm. You might want to rethink your "over 40" comment. I will be 60 next year, read (selected) blogs, look pretty great, and feel the same way I did at 35, only wiser and more relaxed.

  21. Anonymous8:08 PM

    This is hilarious! First time I've visited your blog, and now I plan on checking in regularly! :)

  22. I love your blog.


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