Today my husband turns 40. I turn 40 next year. I would like to approach middle age with a modicum of dignity--just a modicum. So I can go into that good night real gentle-like.
I don't have it all together yet. I think I might get it together by the time I'm 50. For now I just have a few rules to live by. If you are much younger than me you might want to start working on these things. If you already do them--good news! You can coast until you hit 40. And if you are older than me (how do you even know about blogs and how are you reading this right now?) please let me know where to focus my efforts over the next 10 years.
I have to make my bed every day. Devil-may-care at 29 becomes slovenly at 39.
I can't wear pants that are too short or too long. This is a hard one, but unkempt at 29 becomes scroungy at 39.
I go to bed at midnight unless I'm out partying, which I'm not. When you see 40 year-olds trolling around on the web at 2am you feel sorry for them, don't you? I don't want your pity.
Know your binge: Some people are sweet and some people savory. I am savory, which means I eat as much potatoes and gravy on Thanksgiving as I want. If I'm too full for pie I don't feel sad. (No regrets.)
I have to use self-tanner all year. Hey, if you aren't rich or thin and your personality isn't great you can at least not have white legs. It's for the world I inhabit as much as it is for me.
I don't swear. By the time you hit 40 you have either fostered a salty sophistication or you haven't. I haven't and it's too late to start. Swear with creativity and verve or don't swear at all but you can not swear only when you get angry because WHAT KIND OF A PSYCHO ARE YOU? We aren't the Hulk, ladies.
I can't push out loud gas. I know, right? It was such a great gag for so long.
I can still wear Converse but they have to look new. This rule might be different for lesbians. I don't know.
I can't be in love with Edward Cullen. I'm not, but if I were I'd squelch it. People should squelch more, generally.
I can't eat suckers. I can still live a full life and have fun--I'm just not going to eat suckers. Eating a sucker after age 40 makes some kind of weird statement that I'm not interested in making.
There you have it.