Sunday, August 12, 2012

Why Do People Feel Free to Be Unkind on the Internet?

Why do you think people are so unkind on the internet? I've been very lucky that in 8 years of blogging I've only received a handful of negative comments here on my blog. I credit you for that. My audience is pretty small and self-selecting for like-minded friends. My Babble audience is much wider and people can stumble onto my posts accidentally. In other words, they aren't, necessarily, my friends. This is fine. I'm happy for the opportunity to talk to more people but I find the tone of comments very surprising--not just on my posts but all over on the various Babble blogs.

It's not just Babble, of course. You see it on any daily blog, all over Facebook, and coming through in 140 characters or less on Twitter. I think, generally, people don't like to be rude, don't look to be offended, don't willfully misunderstand, and don't assume the worst of someone they are friends with. When I'm having lunch with my friends, for example, we totally love each other. We think we're all great and we want to hear what each other is saying, clarify points, agree, talk about things we have in common, or invite a new perspective. We listen with sympathy and willingly give the benefit of the doubt whenever it's needed. I mean, some people are just jerks--but I'm not having lunch with them.

But online it just seems like people take a gleeful pleasure in calling each other out. I'm just wondering what need it meets to leave a snarky comment on someone's Facebook status that you don't even know in real life. What is happening with people that we have this need to do that? I'm tempted to do it myself. I'm not saying I'm above the fray. I'm just wondering what's going on with humankind that this kind of disrespectful, uninformed discourse has become so common.

As a writer I know I need to have a thick skin. I'm putting stuff out there for people to comment on so I always feel like I get what I deserve. I make jokes, sometimes, that rely on people giving me the benefit of the doubt and when my audience can't or won't do that, it's a calculated risk on my part. Like when I said in my last post that there's always an ugly twin.  I feel like we are companionable friends, you and I, so I hope you aren't an offended [ugly] twin. It's not my intent to offend you, but if you are offended by a something like that I deserve whatever comment you want to make.

I think about my audience constantly and my aim is not to offend them. I'm hoping that I'll say something new or interesting that you haven't thought of before and that you'll like it. I try to anticipate your concerns or objections while I'm writing so I can take care of them before you finish the post. When someone says something mean to me online it almost always makes me feel like crying. I agonize over it and dwell on it. My husband is great at getting me to snap out of it by telling me not to care. Like I said, thick skin is required. But in order to put myself out there and not feel hurt by people who rudely disagree or flat out dislike me I have to switch off a mechanism--the mechanism of caring what my audience thinks. To be honest, I'm not sure that makes me a better writer.

I think a thoughtful, measured approach to writing, commenting, and thinking is better than something reactionary, though that could just be my personality. Nothing I've impetuously come up with has ever been very worthwhile. It must be the speed and ease with which comments can be made and responses flung out there into the interwebs that causes people to be less kind online than they would be in person. I like that all sorts of people are given a voice on the internet, but I'm not sure how well it's going.

15 comments:

  1. I am a twin, and I freely admit I'm the ugly one!

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  2. Interesting question. I'm trying to think of what motivates ME, when _I_ am tempted to lash out at someone online. I think it's that in everyday life, I feel like I'm constantly holding my tongue when someone in my circle says something I'd like to react to (but don't because I want to spare their feelings and/or avoid a confrontation). Online stuff gives an opportunity to (1) say something without having to stick around to face the consequences and (2) say it to someone we don't care about.

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  3. Why are you not having lunch with jerks, Kacy? Are you racist against jerks?

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  4. I think there are a few things going on here: First, being able to hide our meanness behind anonymity gives us the "courage" (does it count as courage when it's mean?) to voice opinions we'd never state in person. Second, we don't really get the nuances of a person and what they're saying online, and so all we really have to react to is their words/whatever it is they're presenting to the world. We interpret and react to what someone is saying through all of our personal filters, but don't really allow them any similar leeway.

    I wish we were nicer as a whole, but until we've all gone out to lunch with each other and attached a real person to their internet content, we'll probably continue on in our lame ways.

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  5. I think about this. Ever since I signed up on Twitter, and said something political, and got a few really mean tweets back. I was kinda shocked. But then I noticed, everyone does that!! I agree with Swistle (is that your real name??? j/k) there about how we dont have "real" consequences and often the comments are toward people we dont care so much about. Im not saying I make these comments, but often I read something online, usually political in nature, that I dont agree with, and get so fired up I just have to comment. But I have learned to wait. I havent said anything really mean to anyone, but it is easier to say what you want when you are not looking someone in the face.

    And yah, the Internet gives people a voice, but not the right to be rude and mean, and hurtful. I think overall its really sad and tragic and disappointing how mean people are.

    Also, while I am commenting, I have been wanting to comment awhile now about a mean woman who was driving and stuck her tongue out at me and my son as we tried to cross the parking lot. I was watching her because she was speeding, and as she passed us, she made a horrible tongue face. (reminded me of your past experience with the mean man??? at a grocery store I think...) Its that same idea, she sped on, so she could be mean, but if she were going to store we were going to, I bet she would not have done it. sad.

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  6. A few thoughts:

    1. It's like how people are rude in cars. Do people ever flip you off when they walk by you on the street? No. But they feel totally free to do so in a car because they can speed off and you'll never really know what they look like. Cowardly.
    2. Stop reading comments. Really. About 6 years ago I had to write these silly TV recaps of The Closer (and later the L Word) and in both cases I was flamed. I mean, hundreds and hundreds of vicious, personal comments that made me sick and sad and miserable and self-doubting. I haven't read a comment on anything I've written (except on my own blog) since. It's very liberating. Do your job (and you do it REALLY well, I might add) and how anonymous creeps respond is not something you should waste 5 minutes thinking about.

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  7. What gets me is when people start their mean or judgmental comment with the line, "Not to be judgmental, but..." Um, but that's just it. You ARE being judgmental about someone or something that you probably don't know or have had any legitimate experience with. So offering a little preface at the beginning doesn't do anything at all to soften the fact that yes. YES you ARE being judgmental. (Not you, as in you. But you as in all those people who are mean.)

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  8. I've thought about this a lot too and admire you and others that put themselves out there and handle your critics with grace and class. Nothing makes me more furious and mean (ironically) then when I see a mean commenter. Who do they think they are? and yet what do I want to do? respond with a mean comment. My brothers had a blog and got a really annoying comment by a lady who was almost looking for something to be mean about and before i knew it I had written: "holy crap, melissa. What is your problem?" Thankfully she didn't respond, but even I, someone who hates contention and people being mean, succumbed. So I guess it just is the sense of anonymity, feeling threatened, misunderstood, etc.. But really I would not handle it as well you as seem to, I would fall apart, so props for being so funny and classy too.

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  9. I write a higher education blog and am always surprised about the snide comments from supposedly smart, thoughtful people. Disagree with me, fine, but the personal attacks? Sheesh. Be strong. I try not to read comments but it is hard not to.

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  10. If people have a decent sense of humor, I'm sure they all love your posts. But yeah, I'll admit, the Babble audience (at least, many commenters) don't come across as the coolest people ever. But I can tell you are, so don't let it get you down!

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  11. Jen Powell12:21 PM

    I think it's all about boundaries. People feel they have to be 'nice' in their personal relationships and so they don't say the things that really need to be said. But it has to come out somewhere - so they flip you off as they drive by or made some jackass comment on your blog. Just recognize it as their issue, not yours and raise above!

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  12. Anonymous5:07 PM

    "why do people feel free to be unkind on the internet?" - as in writing a blog post where you call a specific person runty and ugly. a little self reflection need here - don't you think.

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  14. It hurts my heart to think of people reading the mean things their commenters say. Because my blog is small potatoes, I have almost never gotten a mean comment, but when you have a higher profile, for some reason it brings out the attack dog in people. I wish I understood it. Once, I went and checked out that blog that basically exists to hate on high profile bloggers, just because I hadn't realized that such a thing existed. Holy hell.

    Well, all I have to say is: I think you are swell, I love the way you write, and if you can avoid reading comments, you should. Because anyone who wants to take time out of his/her busy, busy, important life to write something aggressive and mean to you, a person who writes delightful, mordant blog posts in the spirit of good humor and thoughtful commentary...that mean person (are you following all the people in this sentence? there are quite a few) does not deserve the time of day. From you, whose blog I love. And follow.

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  15. Anonymity, distance, and power. Same reason people can pull all kinds of shenanigans in their cars and not bat an eye...even people in those tiny Smart cars :-)

    The first email war I got in was not too long after the internet was still getting started. I kind of blew a good relationship as a result. I learned a good lesson and have tried to avoid hiding behind electronics as a shield.

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