I had a startling realization today and it was that everyone hates me. Oh, I'm not saying that so you'll tell me how much you love me--like I do from time to time with my ugly hair. But if you want to you can. It's just that I'm constantly in this cycle. You know, a big wheel that turns and sometimes I'm at the top and other times (you can be the judge as to whether or not these are my most lucid times) I come to and find myself at the bottom. It's not a wheel of depression or moodiness; let me explain.
The other day I was dropping my kids off at school. It was about ten after eight in the morning. I was dressed and showered and all. that. jazz. I spotted this woman who was in pajamas (not loungewear--full on pajamas) and bare feet. I don't judge her and I don't really care--but it did make me think, "Whoa. I am so together. I'm totally dressed and I have shoes on my feet. Good for me." At that point I was at the top of my wheel.
Just a few days later I realized I was a complete schmuck. I'd eaten another box of chocolate donuts. I realized that my feet were dry, wide, and ugly instead of pretty, dainty, and appealing. I was wearing men's water shoes from Costco. I also realized that my house was fetid and had holes and light sabers in obvious, unattractive places--it wasn't warm or decorated or inviting. Whoa. I don't have it together at all. And the wheel takes a half turn. Get the idea?
On a grander scale, something occurred to me a while ago about the supreme being, God. It really put me in a tail spin. I have no trouble believing in a kind, loving God rather than a vengeful, Old Testament god. Many teachers like to help our self-esteem by emphasizing this quality about him. Like one time my friend's mom received a bunch of flowers and the little enclosed card had a quote that said, "The Lord." Someone had sent her flowers from the Lord to boost her spirits. Anyway, I have always thought that God thinks I'm great. But the other day I was all, "Wait a second, God probably thinks everyone is great." That means he even loves Jay Leno and lame people with no sense of humor at all. It's really, really hard for me to believe. But I think it's probably true.
I had this realization just after it occurred to me that Dumbledore loves all the houses, not just Gryffindor. He loves Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and even Slytherin. Maybe Dumbledore can relate to Gryffindor better and would choose to hang out with Gryffindor and sometimes even rolls his eyes at how lame Hufflepuff's monologue is but that doesn't mean he wouldn't make Snape pretend to kill him in order to save Malfoy from becoming a murderer. It's really, really hard for me to believe. But I think it's probably true. (Oh yeah, Warning: Harry Potter spoiler in this paragraph.)
So I was pretty high in my wheel again until tonight when I was just sitting here thinking and it occurred to me that not only do I hate myself, but everyone else also hates me. I don't want to go into too much detail because then you really would feel obligated to refute it just to be nice but the gist of my realization was, "I'm not cool and well-liked! People hate me and question not only my competence but also my intentions. I'm a buffoon. I hate myself and everyone else hates me too. How could I have ever thought otherwise?." It doesn't make me feel bad or anything. It's just a different way of looking at the world. I'm sure everyone has these sorts of startling realizations. An example of a realization that someone else might have is, "I'm not a wonderful contributor to Sunday school. I'm crazy and people look away when I start making my bizarre, too-loud comments!" You can probably think of lots more. It's actually a good thing.