Wednesday, September 14, 2005

A Startling Realization--My Dumbledore/God Theory

I had a startling realization today and it was that everyone hates me. Oh, I'm not saying that so you'll tell me how much you love me--like I do from time to time with my ugly hair. But if you want to you can. It's just that I'm constantly in this cycle. You know, a big wheel that turns and sometimes I'm at the top and other times (you can be the judge as to whether or not these are my most lucid times) I come to and find myself at the bottom. It's not a wheel of depression or moodiness; let me explain.

The other day I was dropping my kids off at school. It was about ten after eight in the morning. I was dressed and showered and all. that. jazz. I spotted this woman who was in pajamas (not loungewear--full on pajamas) and bare feet. I don't judge her and I don't really care--but it did make me think, "Whoa. I am so together. I'm totally dressed and I have shoes on my feet. Good for me." At that point I was at the top of my wheel.

Just a few days later I realized I was a complete schmuck. I'd eaten another box of chocolate donuts. I realized that my feet were dry, wide, and ugly instead of pretty, dainty, and appealing. I was wearing men's water shoes from Costco. I also realized that my house was fetid and had holes and light sabers in obvious, unattractive places--it wasn't warm or decorated or inviting. Whoa. I don't have it together at all. And the wheel takes a half turn. Get the idea?

On a grander scale, something occurred to me a while ago about the supreme being, God. It really put me in a tail spin. I have no trouble believing in a kind, loving God rather than a vengeful, Old Testament god. Many teachers like to help our self-esteem by emphasizing this quality about him. Like one time my friend's mom received a bunch of flowers and the little enclosed card had a quote that said, "The Lord." Someone had sent her flowers from the Lord to boost her spirits. Anyway, I have always thought that God thinks I'm great. But the other day I was all, "Wait a second, God probably thinks everyone is great." That means he even loves Jay Leno and lame people with no sense of humor at all. It's really, really hard for me to believe. But I think it's probably true.

I had this realization just after it occurred to me that Dumbledore loves all the houses, not just Gryffindor. He loves Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and even Slytherin. Maybe Dumbledore can relate to Gryffindor better and would choose to hang out with Gryffindor and sometimes even rolls his eyes at how lame Hufflepuff's monologue is but that doesn't mean he wouldn't make Snape pretend to kill him in order to save Malfoy from becoming a murderer. It's really, really hard for me to believe. But I think it's probably true. (Oh yeah, Warning: Harry Potter spoiler in this paragraph.)

So I was pretty high in my wheel again until tonight when I was just sitting here thinking and it occurred to me that not only do I hate myself, but everyone else also hates me. I don't want to go into too much detail because then you really would feel obligated to refute it just to be nice but the gist of my realization was, "I'm not cool and well-liked! People hate me and question not only my competence but also my intentions. I'm a buffoon. I hate myself and everyone else hates me too. How could I have ever thought otherwise?." It doesn't make me feel bad or anything. It's just a different way of looking at the world. I'm sure everyone has these sorts of startling realizations. An example of a realization that someone else might have is, "I'm not a wonderful contributor to Sunday school. I'm crazy and people look away when I start making my bizarre, too-loud comments!" You can probably think of lots more. It's actually a good thing.

20 comments:

  1. No, really, I actually think you are pretty cool. And if there was ever an ounce of coolness in me, it was due to your influence in those formative years. :)

    Regarding warm and inviting house: When do you guys go out of town so that Carrie Ann and I can pull a "While You Were Out"? Not that I am agreeing with you or anything!

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  2. I love you (even though I don't know you) for one simple reason... I totally think Dumbledore had Snape pretend to kill him too!

    Plus, I often feel the same way. Thanks for letting me know I am not alone!

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  3. Kacy, even though no one loves you and everyone hates you, there is ONE who would love you if he existed: Dumbledore. You are his Draco Malfoy.

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  4. PS you don't need a "While You Were Out" but there may be some people from "What not to Wear" showing up on your doorstep...

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  5. Not to be rude or anything.

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  6. Cool! Spam catchers in place. . .
    One of my favorite things Gwyneth Paltrow does in Emma is how she flip-flops on her feelings for her brother-in-law. Talk talk talk, "I love John." Talk talk talk, "I hate John!"
    Does it cheer you up to be compared to Gwyneth?
    And what does this say about all the rest of us, your loyal readers? We were still on the high of having felt cool because we read the blog of a person who has been pronounced, nay, immortalized as cool and now we have to come to grips with the revelation that you are just like all the rest of us? No! I'm not buying it. Dumbledore is not dead and you are soft, cuddly, and loveable--in a Draco/Snape sort of way. . . Just as LOTR is really about Samwise Gamgee, (I notice you didn't name your firstborn Frodo) at the end of the day HP will ultimately be about Snape and we will all be praising him. (Severus Faulconer, it has a nice ring to it. . .)

    If it's not depression or moodiness, then what is it?

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  7. Sariah, honey--Take heart. You aren't alone. You are surrounded by people who hate you.

    And remember, he'll never be gone. Not as long as those who remain are loyal to him--like how my sisters are so loyal to me.

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  8. An upsetting and startling realization that I had the other day was that even every once in awhile when I think I look okay, it's not necessarily that I look good objectively, just that I look good/better only in contrast with how I normally look.

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  9. Kacy.

    We are indeed in the same zone.

    It is plesant to know, that I am not by myself.

    (I was probably the bare footed one.)

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  10. As I was just walking out to the mailbox, I overheard a woman say, "I thought she would at least mention the cookies." and I thought "Cookies!" so I kept walking straight past the mailbox to the store. As I stood looking at the cookies, I saw some chocolate donuts and thought, "I should eat these in honor of Kacy, who I hate." And I did and they were delicious.

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  11. Okay, here is how it is...this condition is a "female" thing. I don't know the name of this gripping wheel condition, or if it even has a name, I just know from experience that it is a female thing. AND it begins shortly after puberty. Once you have started to analysis everything and everyone in life, especially oneself, it's too late for you.

    You see, as for us guys, we are so shallow, we just don't care most of the time. If someone hates us, then SO WHAT. Of course if we ARE rude, crude and obnoxious, we don't know it, because we don't think that hard about it. We just are what we are.

    Now for specific attributes, some are negatives and some are positives. Offsetting each other in the grand scheme of things. Like, I don't have a strong feeling one way or the other toward you, but I DO love your blogdialog. I think your writing captures the reader's imagination. You are insightful and quite humorous. If ever I enter the blogzone I have to see what's cooking in your neck of the woods.

    So there, see, forget about the foot thing (neg) and consentrate on the blog thing (pos). And then just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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  12. It disturbs me to agree with someone who goes by the name "Skewedview" but I think I do. I guess I don't know for sure that it is a gender thing but I do know that I'm male and I don't care most of the time. I really. don't. care.

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  13. Kacy, this is two references to old home movies in a row. How many of those did we make? And how many of them did YOU actually make, and I just think I was part of them when I actually wasn't (i.e.TARD.)

    Anyway:

    "I'm feeling miserable today. I'm ugly, and everyone hates me....."

    CRASH CRASH CRASH!

    "What? FLOWERS FROM THE LORD?!"

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  14. I myself follow the good old Nephite pride cycle.

    For instance, I buy cute new jeans (pride) and then go out to dinner with cool friends (more pride)only to be told like an hour later that there is dried rice smashed into my crotchal reagion (compelled to be humble). See how quickly my wheel turns? We're talking hourly...

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  15. But then, Carrie, your ballet training enabled you to dispense with aforementioned dried rice (if that's really what it was) with such agility that I felt like I had witnessed a lesson in--nay, the personification of Grace. You should be proud of yourself.

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  16. Oh, man, carrie ann, I think that was about the best modern-day example of the pride cycle I've heard in a long time! Thank you for the perspective!

    Kacy, I remember on our NYC trip how cool you were. The only thing I didn't like is that I wasn't as cool as you. I mean, you were all excited to see, and then bummed that we couldn't see David Letterman. And I wasn't even cool enough to know who he was!

    And I, too, think Snape was saving Malfoy according to Dumbledore's wishes, but I think Dumbledore really is dead, but I wish he wasn't.

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  17. God doesn't play any favoritism in the live catagory, but He doesn't make any junk eaither. And I was only halfway done with HP6 curse you.

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  18. Perhaps a bag of chocolate gems and Monday night A.D. will turn the wheel. What a great way to start the week--either that or start making some new home movies. Do you still act?

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  19. It makes me sick SICK that Jay Leno is on TV.

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  20. You're right, Ben--and Heavenly Father loves you all the more for feeling that way.

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